SUPER BOWL XXIX / SAN DIEGO CHARGERS vs. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS : Certain People Like Chargers, but He’s Positive About 49ers

San Diego couldn’t beat San Francisco if it had Senior Seau.

If San Diego wins, I will wear a shirt for 48 hours that reads: “Nuts About the Bolts.” If San Diego wins, I will stand in front of the stadium there and chant: “I am no Jack Murphy, I am no Jack Murphy.” If San Diego wins, I will clean Hacksaw Hamilton’s radio control panel with a Deion Sanders do-rag.

San Diego is very good. San Diego is so much better than my teams, the Los Angeles/Orange County Raiders and the Missouri Rams. San Diego is the best team in the AFC, which is more or less like being the best soldier in Switzerland.

But San Diego cannot beat San Francisco. Steve Young could outquarterback Stan Humphries if he played right-handed. Jerry Rice couldn’t be apprehended by Stanley (the Sheriff) Richard if he brought along his deputy. Bryant Young is young and Stan Brock is old, so there you go. 49ers 49, Gutty Little Lightning Bolts 14.

Postscript: Certain people now reportedly believe Junior Seau to be overrated. This makes my unofficial poll: United States of America 239,999,990, Certain People 10.

For the record, I say Seau is sensational. If San Diego wins, not only will I wear my “Nuts About the Bolts” shirt, but also one of those caps that say: “Say Ow!” And so will my son, Junior Downey.