Their Fivesome Lacks the Writer’s Touch

President Clinton, former President Bush, former President Ford and an even funnier golfer, Bob Hope, have a 10:04 a.m. tee time together Wednesday at Indian Wells.

But did they invite me? No.

I promised to be on my best behavior. I promised not to pull a Bill Murray and wear a goofy hat. I promised not to watch where Mr. Clinton marked his ball. I promised not to read Mr. Bush’s lips when he missed a putt. I promised not to duck when Mr. Ford swung. I promised not to blow Mr. Hope’s jokes, like when Jimmy Demaret said: “Bob has a beautiful short game. Unfortunately, it’s off the tee.”

But did they ask me to tag along? No.

Boy, Bob. Thanks for the memories.

I never would have stolen your best gags, like when you said about Gerald Ford: “We have 51 golf courses in Palm Springs, but he never decides which course to play until after his first tee shot.”

Not me. I do my own jokes, Bob. I’m no Berle.

This being a historic day for golf--no President has ever played in a PGA tournament while still in office--a reporter should be there to record it for posterity. I mean, what if George Bush should go into the sand and say: “You think this is a Desert Classic? You should have seen that Persian Gulf.” I’d be right there to quote him.

Presidents have long spoken with wisdom about golf. Woodrow Wilson once called it “a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for that purpose.”

Having seen Mr. Ford play, I must respectfully say that his implements might be better suited as Ginsu steak knives.

Before playing with Mr. Ford, I believe Mr. Clinton might wish to consult his wife again about health care.

Not that I play any better. I go into the water and woods so often, I should carry a fish-and-game license. I’ve stepped on more snakes than Indiana Jones.

Or, as an old hockey goalie, Gerry Cheevers, once put it: “I’m one under. One under a tree, one under a rock, one under a bush. . . .”

Golf is a good game if you’re a President of the United States. You get to lash out at something that doesn’t lash back. You get to pretend those dimples are Sam Donaldson’s.

Sunday was Abe Lincoln’s birthday, but he wasn’t much of a golfer. He was more of a wrestler. I saw Abe’s golf swing. He looked like he was splitting rails.

And I don’t know where they got that “Honest” Abe stuff, but once U.S. Grant caught him changing a 6 on his card to a 4. That’s where he came up with that “four score” stuff.

Will Rogers once said--see how good I am at quoting people?--of Abraham Lincoln: “Rail-splitting produced an immortal president, but golf has 29,000 courses and hasn’t produced even a good Congressman.”

Although I’m not sure whether Sonny Bono plays.

One summer I was in Scotland (true story) for a British Open, when a local golfer told me: “I nearly hit one of your dead Presidents once.” Turned out he was playing near Turnberry and sliced one onto the next fairway, where Dwight Eisenhower was walking. I guess he came a few inches from originating a new slogan: I Shanked Ike.

I’m sure Bill Clinton will be safe. Safer than at the White House, anyway.

If only Bob and the boys had asked me to be part of their fivesome. But no. Instead they ask Scott Hoch, and what’s he ever done except win last year’s Hope championship? Hoch is a fine golfer, but he’s a lousy reporter. Probably won’t even take notes.

All right, so I’m no golf expert. OK, so I don’t know Ping Zings from Ping Pong. OK, so when I heard that the PGA would be playing Sunday at La Jolla, I did think that La Jolla was Michael Jackson’s sister.

That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have enjoyed pitchin’ and puttin’ with the Presidents at Indian Wells, even if the course’s name is politically incorrect.

I disagree with Mark Twain, who once said: “Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

Golf is a game that can hook you.

Or, to quote Bob Hope again: “If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play a game, it’s recreation. And if you work at a game, it’s golf.”

I have a feeling Bill Clinton works at his game. Last time I was in Hawaii on vacation, the President was there also, and he played something like 36 holes in one day. I’m pretty sure a war broke out somewhere, but Al Gore had to handle it.

Most of our Presidents have played golf. Vice Presidents too. I recently saw Dan Quayle at Pebble Beach, sinking a long putt with one of those putters with the long handle. Days later, he suspiciously dropped out of the 1996 campaign.

I believe these events to be related. I believe he now plans to join the PGA Tour instead, possibly calling himself the Golden Quail or the Great White Quayle. Or maybe even the Walrus.

Bob Hope once said, “I would quit golf, but I have too many sweaters.” I think I know how he feels. I would quit golf myself, but I have too many ugly pants.

But I would have dressed properly to play with Presidents Clinton, Bush and Ford. I wouldn’t have worn baggy Arkansas Razorback basketball shorts, a Yale baseball shirt or a Michigan football helmet. I would have shut my mouth and just made notes on my scorecard.

Hole No. 5: “B.C. goes out of bounds, says something about Newt’s mom.”

Hole No. 13: “After bad chip, B.H. tells G.B. to try kinder, gentler swing.”

Hole No. 18: “G.F. drive hits customer in gift shop.”

Oh, well.

Hope I can play the Hope with you some day.

I bet President Perot would let me.