LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Paul Ryan on issues of baseball’s salary cap and the balanced budget: “Owners and Congress have a lot in common--wealthy men who can’t control their spending without a law to tell them when to stop.”

Jay Leno, on the doctor who used laser surgery to remove the Roseanne tattoos from Tom Arnold’s buttocks: “And you think you hate your job.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on Chuck Jones, creator of Bugs Bunny, getting a Walk of Fame star: “Usually when someone on Hollywood Boulevard says, ‘What’s up, doc?’ they’re wearing hot pants and charge by the hour.”

Reader Bill Williams of San Mateo, on O.J. witness Mary Anne Gerchas’ arrest for lying on a car loan application: “It’s the first time in history of the automobile that the buyer is accused of lying to the seller.”

Comedy writer Terry Heath, on Tuesday’s Oscar nominations: “It’s the day that actors, writers and directors put aside their differences and find out who they really hate.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Cuban leader Fidel Castro enacting tougher laws against repeat criminals: “It’s called: Three strikes and you’re in Miami .”

Comic Jenny Church, on the IRS reportedly investigating at least 35 NBA referees for allegedly flying in coach while being reimbursed for first class: “How about that? They finally nail a ref for traveling!”

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Cirque du O.J.: “So the dog, Kato, is going to testify. Great. Another witness with a drinking problem. Only this time the problem is drinking out of the toilet.” (Paul Schowalter)

* “If you thought Shapiro, Cochran and Bailey were critical of police traipsing all over the Rockingham estate before, you should hear them now that they own it.” (Bob Mills)

* “The walk-through of Nicole’s condo was so thorough, three jurors have made offers pending completion of the termite inspection.” (Mills)

* “The trip was so successful, Heidi Fleiss’ lawyers now want a tour of the bar and 36 rooms at the Beverly Hilton.” (Mills)

* “I don’t think O.J. helped himself. On the way from his house to the crime scene, he told the bus driver, ‘Look, I know a great short cut. . . .” (Leno)

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A young girl confided to her dad that a boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

“And did you?” the father inquired.

“Yes, I did,” she replied.

“And what happened?” he asked in a worried tone.

“Well, first he kept me waiting for 45 minutes,” she said, “then he double-billed the insurance company.”

-- Alan Jay Weiss, Santa Monica

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When Marina del Rey reader Shirley Klein’s son Steven was 11, he came home from school and repeated a sexual joke he didn’t understand. Mom figured it was about time to give him a talk about sex.

“I agree,” Steven said. “I always wanted to know the difference between an alligator and a crocodile.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.