LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Argus Hamilton, on the gathering of Republicans in New Hampshire: “It was the usual GOP hypocrisy. They spent all night praising Abraham Lincoln and opposing affirmative action.”

Jay Leno, on baseball with replacement players: “Spring training reveals these are hardly major league guys. One went to grab his crotch and missed.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the $171-million police bond measure: “It provides for more police stations, upgraded equipment and a new academy course on the melting of ice cream.”

Reader John Bregoli, on Mexico’s 49.7% interest rate: “It’s reserved for their best customers. Department store revolving rates will remain at 79.9%.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on reports of Boris Yeltsin’s escalating drinking problem: “Isn’t it time he entered a 12-steppe program?”

Hamilton, on actress Demi Moore’s announcement she plans to play a stripper. “They will pay her $12 million for her role in the movie. She’s done plenty of research for the part. In her last three films she played a hooker, a lawyer and a CEO.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley, on the “Star Trek” curricula at select universities: “Some question its relevance to the college experience. Hey, watching television for hours, seeing the same people in the same clothes week after week, being transported to strange new worlds where no one has gone before is the college experience.”

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The other Fergie: “The jury deliberated 10 hours before convicting Colin Ferguson in the Long Island Rail Road shooting. Nine were spent just trying to stop laughing at him.” (Paul Ryan)

* “He plans to appeal. He says he was unfit to stand trial. A wacko, incoherent statement like this proves once and for all the guy is one hell of an attorney.” (Kevin Healey)

* “Once the initial verdict was read, Ferguson said he was glad it was his client and not him going to prison.” (Marc A. Holmes)

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Cirque du O.J.: “Warm temperatures brought the first sign of spring. Detective Mark Fuhrman was out in the garden planting gloves.” (Jenny Church)

* “Now that Judge Lance Ito has a new haircut, it sounds like somebody is getting ready for a conjugal visit. . . . The haircut’s so bad, O.J. offered him his wig and knit cap.” (Leno)

* “A National Law Journal poll of lawyers reveals that 46% say O.J. shouldn’t take the witness stand, 35% believe he should and 77% believe Al Cowlings should hold out for more money for the Bronco.” (Leslie Coogan)

* “Johnnie Cochran announced that Rosa Lopez continues to refuse to testify, but will be happy to point out where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.” (Brad Halpern)

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Reader Tom Shain’s grandson Kevin, 5, said he wanted to be a policeman when he grew up. Jokingly, Shain told his grandson that to do that, you had to have a mustache. The boy replied:

“You don’t have to if you are a lady policeman.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.