Vacations With Blended Families

Jan and Brent Scharman wanted that first family vacation after their marriage to play out like “The Brady Bunch” on vacation. But as soon as they arrived in Sun Valley with his seven kids and her three, reality hit.

No one could agree on doing anything at the same time. One stepdaughter was constantly in tears. Jan Scharman was understandably overwhelmed, taking care of their combined family of 10 youngsters ranging in age from 9 to 19. There certainly was no time for romance.

“We were so focused on trying to be one big happy family that we made a lot of mistakes,” Scharman said from her office at Brigham Young University in Salt Lake City. “We were totally ignoring what the children wanted and needed.”

In the years since, the Scharmans, both psychologists and board members of the Stepfamilies Assn. of America, have learned not to force the whole brood to move in lock step from pool to bike ride to shopping to dinner.

Before booking a trip, they solicit suggestions from their children, rather than doing all the planning themselves. They’ve become increasingly sensitive to such issues as who wants to share a room. Perhaps more importantly, they work hard at not competing with their ex-spouses where providing fun vacations are concerned, and they talk openly about trips their children have taken with their other sets of parents.

“We focus on the children having a good time,” Jan Scharman said. “If they leave with good feelings, they’ll want to come again.”

That does not mean it’s easy. “Just like any family, there are times when it’s going to be awful. You’ve just got to keep your sense of humor and roll with it,” said Suzy Yehl Marta, a parent and stepparent and founder of Rainbows, an international nonprofit organization that provides counseling support annually to more than 100,000 children whose parents have divorced or died.

Marta recalls a vacation just after her remarriage when she shared a room with her stepdaughter while her husband bunked with her sons and his to make it easier for the kids to adjust to their new family. Even what was appropriate dinner attire had to be negotiated.

“They’re from different families with different priorities and attitudes. That’s why it’s important to talk about all of these things ahead of time,” Marta said. “The disasters I hear about happen because families didn’t plan ahead.”

Sheri Robbins keeps the dialogue going even after the vacation starts. She said her family always takes stock in the middle of a trip to make sure everyone is happy and getting what they need. Robbins, who lives in Toluca Lake and travels with her husband, two young children and two teen-age stepchildren, said one trick to successful vacations is for the adults to separate so the kids get some alone time with their biological parents, doing something the children really enjoy. “When we go with the kids, we plan around them. We don’t count on time for ourselves.”

Blended families should take comfort in the fact that millions of other parents are grappling with the same vacation and parenting issues. The U.S. Census Bureau notes that there are more than 5.2 million step families with children under 18--one in every five American families. Sixteen percent of American kids under 18--or 7.2 million--are part of a step family. “Vacations can be a wonderful opportunity for new shared experiences and rituals,” said Dr. Jo Anne Fox-Avnet, a Los Angeles psychologist and family therapist who treats many families coping with divorce and step-family issues.

Newer families may want to begin with a short trip or long weekend, for example. “Don’t expect the kids will want to be together just because they’re the same age,” Fox-Avnet said.

On the other hand, a trip might help encourage new relationships. Fox-Avnet recalls a trip to London with her daughter and soon-to-be stepdaughter when the girls were young teen-agers. The two explored the city together, shopping, trading clothes. “It was a wonderful opportunity for them to get to know each other.”

Taking the Kids appears the first and third week of every month.