LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on Barings bank losses increasing to $1.5 billion: “The bank’s blue chip holdings have been downgraded to cow chip.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on March being National Talk With Your Teen About Sex Month: “Which, for Jerry Seinfeld, means ‘your place or mine.’ ”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on Budweiser introducing a new wheat beer: “Great, that’s just what guys need--an alcoholic source of fiber.”

Healey, on the 26 people who were hospitalized at Disneyworld after inhaling fumes: “A worker accidentally used too much of that special chemical Disney uses to make visitors feel like they’re not being overcharged.”

Reader Stan Kaplan of Garden Grove, on why Republicans are furious with Sen. Mark Hatfield: “First, he voted against the balanced budget amendment. And, he never has been able to get the hang of the goose step.”

Comic Bill Maher, on Hillary Clinton sharing a cafeteria meal with Virginia school children to show solidarity with the school lunch program: “And to show solidarity with the kids, she made milk come out of her nose.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the trial of the former head of United Way for misappropriation of funds: “Some of the participating agencies he helped were a bit suspect. Such as Boys’ Club Med.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the 81st birthday of Camel cigarettes: “They filmed a reunion of the first Camel smokers. They’re all in the same row at Forest Lawn.”

Ryan, on The Newt’s lesbian half sister in Washington trying to convince him to do more for gay rights: “Tomorrow, she’s talking to Jesse Helms about joining the NAACP.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Australian racing yacht that sank off San Diego: “The skipper said he heard a loud crash. They had been rammed by a house from Ventura County.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the bizarre developments in the assassination of a Mexican political leader: “This is one conspiracy where everybody and his brother really are involved.”

Jay Leno, on HUD Secretary Henry Cisneros chasing two thieves who robbed a D.C. street vendor: “When the thieves realized a politician was chasing them, they turned around, yelled ‘Stop, thief!’ and started chasing him.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Animals have an uncanny sixth sense. Kelsey Grammer will soon testify that even Eddie, the dog on ‘Frasier,’ was acting strangely on the night of the murders.” (Bob Mills)

* “Mr. Johnnie continues to insist that police failed to check out other suspects. For instance, where was Claus von Bulow that night?” (Mills)

* “Kato claims in his new book that he was briefly a suspect. Then police realized, ‘Hey, to kill them he would have had to get up off the couch.’ ” (Leno.)

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Thousand Oaks reader Paulette Straine was driving to the airport with son Kameron, 6, when he found a stray candy cane fragment and started to eat it. Mom scolded him, saying “Don’t eat that! You don’t know where it’s been.”

Calmly, the boy replied: “Uh, yeah I do. It was on the floor.”