LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on President Bill touring Haiti, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida and Arkansas, while Hill travels through India, Pakistan and Burma: “What’s going on here? Is this Help Stamp Out Illiteracy Month?”

Hamilton, on the newest Clinton Cabinet member: “Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman is a farmer with a law degree. That’ll keep government spending down. He can save us millions by serving as his own special prosecutor.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on wolves released in Yellowstone: “Scientists accurately predicted behavior patterns. Three already set up law practices.”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on Olympic officials’ attempts to restore, in time for the 1996 Games, the Atlanta apartment where Margaret Mitchell wrote “Gone With the Wind”: “Frankly, I don’t give a damn.”

Kaseberg, on daylight-saving time: “Folks throughout the country set their clocks ahead an hour, except in Mississippi, where last month slavery was just made illegal. They had to set their clocks ahead 130 years.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on “Sesame Street” in Spanish: “Courtesy Gov. Pete, the first show will be brought to you by the numbers 1, 8 and 7.”

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Celebrity watch: Comedy writer Gary Easley, on Mike Tyson saying Don King will continue to promote his fights: “Looks like three years was not enough time to recover from all of those shots to the head.”

* Adds Ray: “Tyson has converted to Islam. King has similar beliefs: He, too, worships a profit.”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the Julia Roberts-Lyle Lovett split: “I guess Lyle wanted his freedom, and Julia finally bought glasses.”

* Adds Hamilton: “Suddenly, every bachelor in L.A. started planning his next move. We figure if she was attracted to him, hey, we all got a shot.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Now we have a witness who will testify that he saw O.J. stuff something into a trash can at LAX. With the city’s record of trash collection, has anyone checked to see if it’s still there?” (Bob Mills)

* “Johnnie Cochran has already challenged the trash can as evidence, and has threatened to impeach it for a prior addiction to junk mail.” (Brad Halpern)

* “O.J.’s alibi for putting a duffel bag in the trash can? He thought someone said, ‘All carry-on items must fit in the trash can in front of you.’ ” (Healey)

* “Robert Kardashian’s testimony has been postponed on grounds he wasn’t prepared. Cochran convinced Judge Ito that Bob could first use some Off-Broadway experience and perhaps a voice-over or two.” (Mills)

* “Limo driver Allan Park’s testimony failed to clear up one of the most troubling questions surrounding the Simpson trial: Why didn’t O.J. make that deadbeat Kato drive him to the airport?” (Kaseberg)

* “Kato told Barbara Walters that there’s even been a threat on his life: “Yeah. An anonymous caller threatened to help him get one.” (Jenny Church)

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Deborah McNally of Mission Viejo was explaining to daughter Lauren, 2, about the Easter bunny. When McNally said the bunny hides eggs, Lauren asked:

“And toast?”

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SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.