‘90s FAMILY : Teaching Girls Not to Be Limited as Women

Some of today’s girls, raised by the first generation of mothers to have widespread access to the workplace, already know what’s ahead.

They know that, feminist ideology aside, economics will dictate that they will be working at the same time they are raising children. Probably in jobs that continue to pay women less than men. They understand they will not be able to count on relationships, inheritances, or--now it appears--affirmative action to help them out.

But they and others are still exposed to mixed messages about what women are supposed to do and be, according to the authors of two new books on raising daughters. What parents need to help these girls understand, the authors say, is that she who achieves the highest paying career gets the most flexibility in her work-family choices.

Exposing daughters to female role models (on April 27 for the third annual “Take Our Daughters to Work Day”) is only one way parents can help. Parents can also teach daughters to express their opinions, take themselves seriously, make their own choices, rebuff sexist images in the media, and handle money, says Jeanette Gadeberg, in “Raising Strong Daughters” (Fairview Press, 1995) and Wendy Bingham and Sandy Stryker in “Things Will Be Different For My Daughter” (Penguin Books, 1995).

Bingham and Stryker say parents can start early by resisting urges to overprotect their young girls. Is it really more dangerous for a girl than a boy to climb a tree? Their advice to parents: “Next time you’re tempted to rescue (your daughter), stop and ask yourself if you’d do the same thing for a boy.”

To combat cultural messages that limit girls, Gadeberg hopes that parents refuse to allow entertainment that degrades women in their homes, correct every derogatory remark about girls or women, and refuse to go along with jokes made at women’s expense.

No matter how exasperating, parents need to respect their adolescent’s emerging tastes in clothing, hairstyles and political points of view and understand that these opinions don’t necessarily reflect on them.

Some parents might squirm, but Gadeberg says they need to engage their daughters in controversial subjects such as abortion, date rape, sexual harassment, poverty and money. They should listen quietly and respectfully, and rather than preaching their own philosophy, they can sharpen the daughter’s thoughts with friendly, rigorous discussion. Likewise, they must take seriously her personal problems without jumping in to solve them.

The authors agree that rather than protecting girls from financial realities, parents must teach them about money through allowances, earning cash for chores and savings accounts.

Bingham and Stryker say career exploration is more important for girls because, unlike boys, they tend not to perceive the connection between doing well in school and the working world. Often, some of the brightest girls strive for high grades to please others only to drop out of hard classes because they are less assured of a good grade. In those cases, parents should make sure their daughters know grades are less important than the skills they are learning. Rather than, “Did you get an A?” parents should ask, “What did you learn?”

But no matter how successful adults are at raising girls’ self-esteem and self-reliance, little will have been achieved if daughters also are left believing they will be totally responsible for home and family life, argues Kathleen Hall Jamieson, author of “Women and Leadership: Beyond the Double Bind” (Oxford University Press, 1995.) Asks Jamieson: “The question is, ‘How do you also create the expectation on the part of boys who are going to be men that they have family responsibilities as well?’ ”

Girls should know that they can be good mothers and have successful careers, she observes, “but it’s not possible without access to good day care, good income and a supportive family environment.”