LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the House approving a sweeping rewrite of the landmark Clean Water Act of 1972: “Under the Republicans’ version, The Newt’s GOPAC slush funds are considered ‘wetlands.’ ”

Jay Leno, on President Clinton’s financial statements showing he has close to $2 million in a blind trust: “Isn’t that how he got elected--blind trust?”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Berkeley scientists developing a vaccine that dissolves fat cells in pigs: “All that’s left are hoofs, lips and ears--barely enough to make a hot dog.”

Ryan, on all the marriages on the season finales of many sitcoms: “Is this the message TV networks really want to send--less sex and more fighting?”

Cutler Comedy Rock Network, on the Senior Olympics this week in San Antonio: “Unfortunately, one competitor has already been disqualified after testing positive for Geritol.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Geraldo getting his nose busted while taping his show: “His doctor has put him on a rehabilitation schedule. For the next few weeks, he has to keep it out of other people’s business.”

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Ramses--the Pharaoh: “Archeologists say they have found a tomb in Egypt that may hold 50 sons of Ramses II. And you thought Steve Garvey got around.” (Cutler)

* “Six skeletons have been positively identified as servants of the Pharaoh, all of whom died while waiting for the cable guy to show up.” (Bob Mills)

* “Fifty sons? I can’t believe they named a condom after this guy.” (David Gee)

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Sanctions, shmanctions: “The U.S. is getting pretty tough with Japan on trade. Now, all imported sushi must be precooked.” (Russ Myers)

* “When salespeople talk to customers about Infiniti now, they’ll be talking about the price range, not the car.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Tokyo cops caught the leader of the doomsday cult, believed to be responsible for the subway gassing. But he won’t get the death penalty, unless they can prove that he used American parts to commit the crime.” (Argus Hamilton)

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Cirque du O.J.: “The jurors aren’t having any trouble understanding the DNA match-ups. What’s really puzzling them is how the cops managed to find two socks that matched.” (Mills)

* “Lab analyst Gary Sims had good news and bad news for O.J. The bad news? Incriminating blood is present on the socks. The good news? Simpson’s athlete’s foot has completely cleared up.” (Jerry Perisho)

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Tustin reader Jim Buck took oldest son Kevin and younger son Tom, 4, with him to confession. After they stood in line, Kevin finally entered the booth.

“Daddy,” pleaded Tom, “I have to go to the bathroom, too.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.