Wouldn’t You Like to Pay More for Game Tickets?

Dan Aykroyd once did a sketch on a popular Saturday television program in which he impersonated President Carter addressing the American people on inflation. “Inflation,” went the theme of the speech, “is our friend.”

The joke was in the spin Carter was vainly trying to put on the devaluation of the U.S. dollar. “Wouldn’t you like to wear a $10,000 suit or smoke a $1,000 cigar?” the “President” said with a toothy grin. “I know I would.”

I got to thinking about this gag as soon as I heard a few new ticket prices being slapped on the American sports-viewing public.

Professional hockey’s Detroit Red Wings, for example, have announced that should they reach the Stanley Cup finals in a few weeks, the price of a ticket will be raised to as high as $100.

Awww, bless their hearts. This is such a warm, friendly way to reward the incredibly loyal fans of the Red Wings, who have been waiting for their team to win the Stanley Cup for, oh . . . most or all of their lives.

Pro basketball’s Denver Nuggets, meantime, are proud to announce that the price of a courtside seat is going up to $150 a night.

Well, you can certainly understand this, seeing as how the Denver fans have been patiently awaiting their team’s first championship since . . . uh, ever.

Let’s do a little arithmetic here.

Grab the two kids, your spouse, pay for parking, buy four good seats, popcorn and soda for everybody, bring down the zero, decimal point goes over here and yes, you can bring your family in for a thrilling Nugget-Timberwolf game for a mere $650! Maybe less!

Or you can use the money for a down payment on a Buick.

I get into all the games for free, so I can’t gripe. Then again, the next time I want to get into a Detroit Red Wing or Denver Nugget game will be when Martians start at center.

However, in the past I have been to games involving both teams, and can tell you that few teams have fans so dedicated, so steadfast, so . . . masochistic that they are willing to spend their hard-earned money and time witnessing two of America’s sorriest franchises.

I used to go to Joe Louis Arena in downtown Detroit and see 19,000 screaming people, enjoying the game, supporting the team, hanging on every faceoff as though the championship depended on it. Red Wing fans are among the greatest fans in the world.

They are the squid-throwers. They are the ones who observe a time-honored and eccentric tradition of tossing raw calamari on the ice during a big game, Lord knows why. Detroit is the only city on Earth where you might someday see a game called on account of octopus.

Remember that fiery riot after Detroit won the World Series? If Detroit ever wins a Stanley Cup, trust me, there will be two or three squid-related deaths. The only evidence police will have will be ink. This team could get more people killed than Dr. Kevorkian.

A C-note for a Stanley Cup ticket?

Oh, make it a thousand and keep the change. After all, Detroit gives its fans championship hockey every half-century like clockwork.

As for the fans of the Denver Nuggets, they have been following their team faithfully for decades now. Why? Beats me. I guess everybody’s got to follow somebody.

Nugget fans are true blue. They do everything but slap bumper stickers on their cars that read: HONK IF YOU LOVE DIKEMBE MUTOMBO. We are speaking here of a city that thinks the name of Dan Issel should be preceded by “the immortal.” We are speaking here of a city where the motto should be “NBA Basketball! We Tolerate This Game!”

Oh, well. I know how happy Nugget fans were to upset the Seattle SuperSonics in round one of last year’s playoffs. Yep, that’s a major thrill for some towns, upsetting Seattle in round one of the NBA playoffs. I can’t wait to see who upsets Seattle in round one of next year’s NBA playoffs. Right now, I’m thinking Sacramento.

Oh, and by the way:

Discounts to any Denver fan who brings in an actual nugget. You prospectors be sure to bring in your pans.

Come next New Year’s Day, finally, a ticket to the Rose Bowl football classic will run you $75, rather than the old price of 48 bucks. This is your basic 58.7% increase and should be worth every penny, or 57.7% if the game involves Oregon.

This is one price hike that fans shouldn’t mind, unless of course you want this game to turn into the Mobil-Blockbuster-Sunkist-Sizzler-Garden Weasel-Kellogg’s Froot Loops-Charmin Toilet Tissue Rose Bowl.

University of Wisconsin fans will be excited to learn that one Los Angeles broker is offering special packages, with tickets priced at $75 apiece or, for anyone with a Wisconsin driver’s license, $160 for two.