A Word to the Wise: Read ‘Em and Weep

As you may know, at the end of the week, hundreds of publishers, authors, agents, booksellers and leading literary lights will gather in Chicago at the annual convention of the American Booksellers Assn.

There, the stars of American letters will discuss such pressing literary topics as the declining importance of Michel Foucault’s contribution to deconstructionist modes of thinking; whether anyone has actually seen Michael Crichton and Robin Cook in the same room together, and whether the American public is ready for what could be the publishing event of the century--a collaboration between Stephen King and Dave Barry about a strain of mucus with a mind of its own called “Big Brainy Booger.”

Most of us, unfortunately, will be too busy washing our hair to attend the convention, but I happen to have some sources who have slipped me a list of titles expected to be next year’s runaway bestsellers.

I offer them to you with the same tingly anticipation I feel when I learn that Shirley Maclaine has a new book coming out.

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This fall, look for:

“Godspeed”--An aging male network anchor keeps a voodoo doll likeness of his younger female co-anchor in a closet at home. Each night he stabs the doll in the back, chanting: “Go away. You’re killing me.” One day he comes to work and pretends to be surprised that she has been fired. He agonizes over what to tell his viewers, until he hits on the perfect way to say goodby. “Godspeed,” he tells his canned colleague on the air, hoping no one will realize the word derives from a Middle English expression meaning, “Good riddance, sucker.”

“Mutant Militia Down Under”--A band of disaffected kangaroos, gathering in the shadow of Ayers Rock, hatches a rebellion against exploitation by the government, which bases its tourism campaigns on the “friendly” marsupials. Panic spreads as the reports of tourists dying in mysterious boxing ring accidents begin to trickle in from the Outback.

“Dog: A Biography”--A dyslexic theologian chronicles the life of what he believes to be an imaginary four-legged companion. He learns that if there is faith, there is hope, and that when you least expect it, you just might discover that there really is a dog.

“The Way I Wish Things Had Turned Out”--Former President George Bush takes his first plunge into fiction and writes about the stunning reelection upset of a beloved but misunderstood President. His contribution to the genre is certain to be hailed by critics, who will compare his unusual writing style to “William Faulkner, only harder to follow.”

“The Matzo Ball Diaries”--In New York City, a rabbi with a drug habit finds redemption at a deli. The book is a series of conversations with the counterman, a wizened old guy with a flowing white beard, given to such pronouncements as “Heroin, schmeroin, try some of my chicken soup.”

“Everything I Need to Know I Learned by Watching the O.J. Simpson Trial”--A philosopher ponders the meaning of life through simple lessons she gleans from watching CourtTV. Example: “Wearing a giant headband while testifying in a murder trial is not a prosecutable offense, but should be.” And: “If you are going to be accused of a double homicide, it is better to be rich than poor.” And: “If you are going to accuse someone of incompetence, you should probably think twice about accusing them of masterminding a conspiracy too.”

“Embraced by the Christian Coalition”--A moderate Republican governor of a large Western state desperately wants to be President, but is not conservative enough to make the cut. A baby-faced fallen angel named Ralph comes to him in a dream and makes him an offer he can’t refuse: “Change your position on everything--abortion, gun control, immigration, the works,” says Ralph, “and we will deliver unto you the nomination.” After an anguished 10 seconds, the governor agrees. “There’s just one catch,” Ralph adds. “You’ll have to give me your vocal cords.”

Happy reading!

* Robin Abcarian’s column is published Wednesdays and Sundays.

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