LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the Los Angeles woman ordered to tear down her urban garden: “Not only is planting on city property against the law, there have been lots of complaints from crack addicts with allergies.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on new GOP security rules: “Lobbyists will no longer have access to the Capitol building after normal business hours. Those in violation will be trapped and returned to the private sector.”

Jay Leno, on the fence-jumping incident: “If the White House gets just two more bullet holes in it, it will be declared an honorary public school.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on presidential candidate Bob Dornan: “He is really good for America. Gun nuts listen to him talk and decide to get counseling while there’s still time.”

* Adds comedy writer Alan Ray: “National Rifle Assn. membership continues to grow: “It’s a status thing. Most adults join so their kids can get in one of the better militia.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Luvox, the new anti-shopping compulsion drug: “Only problem is, compulsives just keep buying and buying it.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on a restaurant in France giving out condoms with every cup of coffee: “Guess they figure you’re going to be up anyway.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the Republican National Committee’s legal action against makers of the “Contract For America” underwear: “The company does plan to proceed with a collection of O.J. undies. The package includes seven briefs with an alibi for each day of the week.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Things aren’t going well for Simpson. Now, when he asks his lawyers to explain DNA strands, they tell him it means he’s going to prison.” (Ray)

* “It may not have been a good week for the prosecution, but the E! Channel’s correspondent Kathleen Sullivan lost five more pounds on her Weight Watchers diet.” (Mills)

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Three government statisticians decided to go deer hunting one weekend. They packed their gear in a Jeep and headed for the Virginia woods.

Preferring to hunt with bows and arrows, they stalked together in silence. When the trio spotted a big buck standing alone in the clearing, each took aim. The first statistician shot, and his arrow flew 10 feet to the left. The second’s flew 10 feet to the right.

The third started jumping up and down, yelling, “We got him, we got him!”

-- Argus Hamilton

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Valencia reader Maria Krapf overheard three preteen boys talking about the dinosaurs featured in the movie “Jurassic Park.” Each speculated about which was the biggest, the fiercest and the strongest. When one boy wondered aloud which might be the most intelligent, another offered a guess:

“It was probably the Thesaurus rex.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.