LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Gary Easley, on Sen. Robert Dole’s attack on Hollywood: “The divorced and remarried presidential candidate called for a return to second-family values.”

*Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: “The senator staged another withering attack on the recording and film community, and vowed to expose the depraved purveyors of filth--starting with Phil Gramm.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on a White House report that will defend racial and gender hiring quotas: “Republicans counter that it’s experience and qualification that counts in hiring. They don’t care if the man is Anglo or Saxon.”

Hamilton, on the pedestrian mall on Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House: “It has a theme-park atmosphere. There’s even a sign on the fence: ‘The next gunfight is at 4 p.m.’ ”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on the new Marilyn Monroe commemorative stamps: “Postal workers are having trouble keeping track of them. Sometimes they are in the drawer with the John Kennedy stamps, sometimes they’re in with the Bobby Kennedy stamps.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on new summer rates announced by Las Vegas resorts: “Most have weekday specials. Kids and L.A. police chiefs stay free.”

Cutler Comedy Rock Network, on thieves taking practice shorts and socks from the L.A. Clippers locker room: “Apparently, even criminals won’t be caught dead in a Clippers jersey.”

Cutler, on Darryl Strawberry wanting to join the N.Y. Yankees: “Just think of the money he will save commuting to AA meetings with Steve Howe.”

Jay Leno, on a judge ordering Rodney King to return to Pennsylvania to stand trial on drunk driving charges: “The bad news is, Rodney is driving back.”

Paul Ecker of Diamond Bar, on what Madonna and David Letterman talk about these days: “I hear they trade stalk tips.”

Comic Jenny Church, on 18 contestants suffering broken arms or legs in a cheese-rolling contest in England: “And, three guys cut themselves while handling extra sharp Cheddar.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Barry Scheck does so much harping, he may have to join the musician’s union.” (Stan Kaplan)

* “Objecting to a question posed by Scheck, Marcia Clark referred to ‘any lawyer with half a brain.’ Judge Lance Ito sustained Johnnie Cochran’s objection that the term was redundant.” (Mills)

* “Clark accused Scheck of having an IQ below five. Scheck called that an insult. If he really had an IQ that low, he wouldn’t be a highly paid defense lawyer; he’d be a highly paid defense witness.” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “Judge Ito says he’ll allow the jury to see most autopsy photos. Defense lawyers said they would inflame the jury and make them sick to their stomachs. And the photos would be upsetting as well.” (Cutler)

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Santa Monica reader Pat McCabe’s son Will, 5, was asked in school to tell about his ancestry:

“I’m half Irish,” the boy replied, “and half from New Jersey.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.