LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Dr. Henry Foster falling three votes short for the full Senate to consider him for surgeon general: “Democrats say the nomination should be aborted, but Republicans want it put up for adoption.”

Jay Leno, on new rules issued for actors in Iran: “You cannot have a sense of humor. You can’t be a woman and you can’t be a minority. Really, it’s the same rules as the Republican National Convention.”

Leno, on more historical inaccuracies in “Pocahontas”: “Like the final scene . . . where Pocahontas opens her own casino. That never happened.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Disney’s planned wild-animal park in Orlando: “Creatures will roam around the park’s focal point--a 20-acre gift shop.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Mike Tyson’s speech to a cheering crowd Tuesday in New York: “Tyson said that all he ever does is pray and fight. So, he has a lot in common with the women he dates.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the Supreme Court upholding a law that prohibits lawyers from soliciting business within 30 days of a disaster: “Justices were appalled that some ambulance chasers could smell plaster of Paris up to half a mile away.”

Comedy writer Leslie Coogan, on AT&T; mistakenly providing a 900 sex number to 175,000 customers: “A sexy voice asks callers if they’re ready to ‘get naked.’ In response, Sprint is offering its customers naked pictures of Candice Bergen.”

Frederick Muir, on supervisors ordering a 20% cut in most L.A. County departments: “Does this mean Weights and Measures, which checks the accuracy of scales, will think of a pound as 12.8 ounces?”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on L.A. Raiders boss Al Davis: “All these years and we never noticed the typographical error. Those Raider banners should have read: Commitment to His Excellency .”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Paula Barbieri’s Las Vegas rendezvous with Michael Bolton would still be a secret if they hadn’t bumped into L.A. Police Chief Willie L. Williams in a casino elevator.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Bolton was going to discuss his relationship with Barbieri at a news conference, but abruptly canceled it because he was having a bad hair extension day.” (Peyser)

* “Word is that last week’s glove fiasco was just another LAPD mix-up: By mistake, cops handed Deputy D.A. Christopher Darden the glove from the Michael Jackson investigation.” (Paul Feldman)

* “Dick Cavett told a magazine that he’ll renounce his citizenship if O.J. is acquitted. Great, now I don’t know who to root for.” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “Darden said it’s time now for O.J.’s lawyers to ‘put up or shut up.’ If there’s a choice, I got to vote for shut up.” (Leno)

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San Pedro reader Janet Reid peeked in on daughter Wendy, 2, and overheard her reciting a poem:

“Fee, fie, fo, fum, I smell the blood of an English muffin.”