LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news . . . Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Fourth of July: “Members of Congress are observing it in their own special ways. In honor of this country’s ideals, The Newt will lower his book to half price.”

Comic Jenny Church, on astronauts taking blood, urine and saliva samples from three Mir crewmen: “The brief medical visit wasn’t difficult. The toughest part for the cosmonauts was hanging around outside the capsule for four hours, looking at old magazines and waiting for their names to be called.”

* Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: “The astronauts hope to determine the long-term effects of weightlessness by studying muscle tone, bone mass and O.J. Simpson’s alibi.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the Supreme Court ruling that race-based districting is unconstitutional: “Color shall not determine congressional representation. Except, of course, when the color is green.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the President releasing funds to cities to hire 100,000 new cops: “Clinton said every American should do his part to fight crime. What’s he going to do, turn state’s evidence?”

Jay Leno, on White House gunman Francisco Duran’s 40-year prison sentence without parole: “That means he will be getting out right about the time another Democrat is in the White House.”

Comic Dennis Miller, on the House voting to approve a constitutional amendment to ban acts that desecrate the flag: “I assume this means the flag will no longer be flown over the Capitol building.”

Ray, on the Deltona, Fla., man who was found living with hundreds of rats: “Police say the scene was horrendous. It looked like an American Bar Assn. convention.”

Kenny Noble (103.1 FM), on tighter airport security: “A picture ID may be necessary and patience is required. That’s nothing. Ever gone through a supermarket express line with two kids, an out-of-state driver’s license and a personal check?”

Comedy writer Paul Ecker, on the weekend box office scoreboard: “Apollo 13, Judge Dredd 0.”

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Sports shorts: Cutler, on the threat by a woman to reveal embarrassing information about Darryl Strawberry unless he paid her: “You mean besides him being a drug-addicted tax evader?”

* Adds Bob DeVinney of Pomona: “When Strawberry receives an intentional walk during a game, will the announcers refer to it as ‘free basing’?”

Church, on the baseball milestone passed by the Cleveland Indians’ Eddie Murray: “He now joins that elite group of men in uniform who’ve hit 3,000 in their careers--the LAPD.”

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Reader Joanne Nadel’s son Brandon, 9, was reading a passage from a prayer book. When he came to the line, “And the Lord revealed himself,” the boy misread the text and said:

“And the Lord relieved himself.”