LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Good Morning Vietnam: “President Clinton has extended diplomatic recognition to Vietnam. To show how much things have changed in that Communist nation, the infamous Hanoi Hilton is now a Red Roof Inn.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Clinton officially recognized Vietnam when someone showed him a snapshot and he said, ‘Oh, so that’s what it looks like.’ ” (Paul Ryan)

* “Bob Dornan called the action a national shame. The real shame is for him. A Third-World Communist country has a better bond rating than Orange County.” (Argus Hamilton)

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In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on how Oxnard’s police department may soon sell advertising space on squad cars: “Some question the ability to take a DUI van seriously when it displays the likes of “This Bud’s for You.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on violence in post offices: “It used to be postal workers only fretted over how much a magazine weighs. Now they worry about how many rounds a magazine holds.”

Comic Jenny Church, on Larry King’s appearance at the Nixon library: “King won’t talk about his new book. He hasn’t read it yet.”

Peyser, on Charlie Sheen’s upcoming testimony at the Heidi Fleiss trial: “He has denied using any of her call girls. But anyone who made ‘Major League II’ isn’t above prostituting himself.”

* Adds Cutler Daily Scoop: “In lieu of appearing, Sheen will be permitted to videotape his deposition. It’s hardly the first time he’s gone straight to video.”

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A Russian went to a new car dealer to order a vehicle. Accustomed to long lines and delays, he listened as the salesman told him the car would be ready on May 17, 2000 AD.

“Morning or afternoon?” the buyer asked.

Angrily, the dealer said: “Does the time matter? It’s five years from now.”

“Well,” the man replied, “the plumber is coming.”

-- Sid Lindenbaum

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Cirque du O.J.: “Marcia Clark is trying her best to learn what the defense witnesses didn’t hear and exactly what time they didn’t hear it.” (J.B. Faller)

* “Maybe it’s not surprising that the couple on a blind date testified they didn’t see anything outside Nicole Simpson’s condo.” (Paul Feldman)

* “O.J.’s golf partner Jack McKay testified that he appeared cordial at a Virginia tournament four days before the murders, despite the fact that he pulled almost every putt inside of four feet.” (Bob Mills)

* “Now that it’s Week 26 of the trial, if O.J. does finally walk, he’s going to need a cane.” (Jay Leno)

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Pacific Palisades reader Jim Slemaker and his wife took daughter Emily, 4, out to dinner. The unruly girl asked for a soda. “You can have a Coke,” her mother replied, “but you have to behave.” Emily thought for a moment, then replied:

“I’ll have water.”