LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on President Clinton normalizing relations with Vietnam: “Pretty gutsy move from a guy who’s only Vietnam experience was renting ‘Platoon.’ ”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on three employees charged with embezzling $2.1 million from the L.A. Museum of Natural History: “The museum’s next showing will be Exhibit A.”

Joe Kevany, on the possible breakup of the L.A. Unified School District: “Both sides are still squabbling over who has to keep the kids.”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho on kids being confused: “They used to wave a gun when they played cops ‘n’ robbers. Now they use one when they play post office.”

Kenny Noble (103 FM), on the study that says more men are geniuses, but more are also retarded: “This may explain why so many men can change their oil, but can’t change a diaper.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on a survey saying 84% of men fantasize about being in bed with two women: “The reality isn’t so exciting. With a woman on each side, how do you roll over and fall asleep?”

Jay Leno, on Michael Jackson wanting to revive his acting career: “I don’t know. I don’t think I bought him in that last role as the happily married man.”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on the death of Elizabeth Adams, longtime Beverly Hills Madam and Heidi Fleiss’ mentor: “In tribute to Madam Adams, numerous Hollywood producers are wearing their pants at half-mast.”

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But will it bring back Bert Parks? . . . The Miss America Pageant will ask viewers to vote by phone whether to keep the swimsuit competition:

* “Please vote yes on this. Let’s not embarrass the contestants by replacing it with a spelling bee.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “Critics argue that since it is a scholarship pageant, boobs do not belong on the show. So why then is it still hosted by Regis Philbin?” (Jenny Church)

* “To vote to keep the swimsuit competition, viewers must dial 1-900-G-STRING.” (Bob Mills)

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Cirque du O.J.: “Of course Ellen Aaronson and Danny Mandel didn’t hear a dog barking on Bundy. The sound was drowned out by the engine noise of a speeding white Bronco.” (Gary Easley)

* “A defense witness says he heard someone shout, ‘Hey, hey, hey,’ on the night of the murders. The mystery is solved. Fat Albert did it.” (Perisho)

* “No, you can’t detect race or color in a person’s voice. But as the trial goes on, Johnnie Cochran’s voice does sound richer and richer.” (J. M. Smith)

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When Rancho Mirage reader Barbara Fink’s daughter Sherry purchased a set of antique flatware, she called daughters Haley and Lisa in to examine it and said that someday she’d divide it between them.

“Lisa can have the handles,” said Haley, 5. “I want the part that eats.”