LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the unveiling of President George Bush’s official White House portrait: “It really is flattering beyond all belief. It shows him in the middle of a fairway.”

* Adds Cutler Daily Scoop: “Barbara Bush’s portrait shows her in front of a bookcase, demonstrating her love of books. Hillary Clinton’s will show her in front of a roll of red tape.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the United States weighing its options in Bosnia: “The Administration can’t decide whether to do nothing, sit back and do nothing, or complain while others do nothing.”

David Letterman, on the President’s views on school prayer: “He’s encouraging everyone to pray that Bob Dole gets caught with a hooker before November ’96.”

Comic Bill Maher, on Japanese leaders revealing that the country’s economy has stalled and is creeping toward recession: “They say if it gets any worse, everyone will have to start eating raw fish.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on producers working on their 21st and final Godzilla film: “In this episode, the monster terrorizes Japanese leaders more than ever. He threatens sanctions on leading exports.”

David Hagen, on reaction to the embezzlement charges against the former deputy director of the L.A. County Museum of Natural History: “Everyone is asking the same question: L.A. has a museum? “

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on a magazine report that gangs, including the Crips and Bloods, thrive on more than 50 military bases and ships: “Authorities are questioning any G.I. who has replaced his dog tags with a Honda badge.”

Mills, on AT&T; saying it’s only months away from depleting its supply of 7.8 million “800” numbers: “The company turned down suggestions that they convert some ‘900’ numbers, explaining that they would take too long to sterilize.”

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Q&A;: What does Rodney King’s license-plate frame say? My other car is in impound. (Paul Ecker)

* What do Serbs call U.N. peacekeepers guarding safe zones in Bosnia? Hostages . (Ryan)

* What was the first question asked by the two Americans released by the Iraqis: “Hey, how’d that O.J. trial ever turn out?” (David Letterman)

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Cirque du O.J.: “Dr. Robert Huizenga said Simpson experienced ‘stress that no human being short of Job has endured.’ Funny, I don’t remember reading about a stress test in the Bible. . . . When exactly did his examination of Job take place?” (Cutler)

* “Huizenga appeared to be coaching O.J. before the trial. During the initial physical exam, he told O.J., ‘OK, turn your head and scoff.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

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Reader Eugene Golling always advises his children to order small portions at restaurants. Recently, a waiter asked Patrick, 7, how he wanted his hamburger cooked; he suggested medium.

“No,” Patrick replied, “small.”