THOROUGHBRED RACING / BILL CHRISTINE : A $5-Million Refund Could Buy Happiness

The idea that the Thoroughbred Racing Assns. needed a national commissioner was wrong-headed and doomed from the start. But the saddest part about last week’s sacking of the first and last commissioner, Brian McGrath, was the estimated $5 million that the debacle cost. Count the ways in which that kind of money could have been put to better use:

--A revival of the American Championship Racing Series, which was discontinued after 1993. It committed only two crimes: (1) Creating coast-to-coast rivalries among the best horses, and (2) getting most of their races on national network television.

--Adequate health, welfare and accident coverage for the country’s jockeys, those risk-taking daredevils who go to the bargaining-table wire with the tracks every few years, before winding up with half a loaf.

--At the California Equine Retirement Foundation’s ranch in Winchester, homes for many more old, unwanted geldings.

--The return of the flagman to the starting gate at Santa Anita.

--Better backstretch conditions at dozens of racetracks.

--An inducement for the Daily Racing Form to continue publishing the American Racing Manual, the sport’s record book, which became defunct this year.

--A subsidy for California tracks if they, in turn, will promise to cut racing dates, thereby learning that less can sometimes be more.

--A financial transfusion for the Eclipse Awards program, which could be in disarray if the TRA, as rumored, follows McGrath into the sunset after a meeting at Saratoga later this month.

--One-way tickets to another planet for those who think the fans have any business voting for the national champions. Sorry about this, but ballot-box stuffing would be unstoppable and insufferable if fans were allowed to vote.

--One more good 3-year-old for trainer Woody Stephens.

--One more good horse of any age for trainer Charlie Whittingham.

--A searchlight for the Racing Hall of Fame in Saratoga Springs, N.Y. If all those baseball fans can find their way to nearby Cooperstown in Upstate New York, why can’t racing get more people to visit its shrine?

--Enough cigar-and-brandy dinners to get television executives to promise that if there’s a big race, they’ll be there.

--Simply the basic amenities at all off-track betting sites.

--A couple of Breeders’ Cup contenders for trainers Bill Shoemaker and Angel Cordero.

--Salaries for a horde of lobbyists who can convince state legislators that escalating parimutuel takeouts are headed the wrong way. Less is more in this category too.

--Enough computer time so that Joe Hirsch can crank out at least 10,000 more columns for the Racing Form.

--A new owner, with at least five horses, for every trainer who has put at least 10 years into the game.

--For all horsemen with demons, rehab programs that work.

--Let’s not be greedy. Only two more Cigars and one more Serena’s Song.

--Enough money for Holy Bull to feel that his injury is fully healed and realize that he’s bored with breeding and wants to race again. This might require the entire $5 million.

--A back-to-the-future machine that will spit out Eddie Arcaro, Bill Shoemaker and Bill Hartack, all in their 20s and raring to go.

--The return of crab cakes to the grandstand concession stands at Pimlico.

--Harry M. Stevens’ liver and onions in every track’s dining room.

--The old Hialeah, dressed up in brand new clothes.

--A turf course that works at Santa Anita.

--A few replacement stallions for Sunday Silence and all those other American studs who have gone to Europe and Japan.

--Educational programs for the gouging hotels that are lucky enough to be located next to race tracks.

--An awareness hypnotist for the next entrepreneur who wants to build a new race track in Texas.

--An awareness hypnotist for the next entrepreneur who wants to build a new race track anywhere.

--A down payment on two heavens, one with only racetracks, the other with the casinos and gambling riverboats.

--Visiting privileges to the opposite heaven.

--Truth serum for the next 50,000 guys who drug their horses.

--An across-the-board pay raise for all the grooms, who only spend more time with the horses than anyone.

--The best safety rails at every track.

--A psychic who guarantees no more nasty spills for Julie Krone.

--A bushel of on-the-soft-side apples for John Henry (he has to gum them now).

--A stalk of bananas for Forego, the best horse ever to like bananas.

--An extra carrot in every feed tub.

--A seance with Dr. Charles Strub, who could fill in the blanks that this exercise has forgotten to mention.