Following the trail of pea soupWell, we’re...

Following the trail of pea soup

Well, we’re back after two weeks of therapy in Central California, where we hoped to break our habit of running anagrams in every column. (So far, so good.) We also thought we might get away from the O.J. Simpson trial but that, of course, was impossible. The trial’s influence was even reflected in the children’s menu at Pea Soup Andersen’s restaurant in Buellton. The menu contains several games for the kids, including the always popular, “Can You Find the Matching Fingerprints?” (See reproduction).

Looks as though it came from the LAPD’s official Crime Lab graduation exam.

ATTENTION, SHOPPERS--DROP ‘EM!: While we were away, we became a bit homesick. We cured that by reading Octavia Butler’s “Parable of the Sower,” a novel that opens in Southern California in the year 2024. It’s a bad year. Unemployment, homelessness and crime are rampant. Public services have broken down.

Consider these conditions:

* Neighborhoods are surrounded by walls to prevent crime.

* Police charge fees for responding to emergencies (cash on delivery).

* Store complexes use “sniffers, metal detectors, package restrictions, armed guards” and have a “willingness to strip-search anyone [thought to be] suspicious.”

* Peddlers sell water at exorbitant rates on the streets.

* The states of Oregon and Washington have sealed their borders.

* Few people drive gasoline-powered vehicles, or any other types. The freeways are mostly inhabited by walkers trying to escape L.A. The walkers “keep to the left lanes away from the on and off-ramps” to avoid the few entering drivers.

Well, at least there would be fewer traffic reports on the radio.

WHERE THERE’S SMOKE: We also saw a sci-fi movie, “Waterworld,” which is Hollywood’s vicious attack on the tobacco industry. Set in a landless, flooded future, it features a gang of villains known as The Smokers--all of whose members are puffers. (Then, again, maybe the tobacco industry would find the enduring appeal of their product comforting.)

One of the bad guys goes so far as to exhale into the face of a child who refuses to answer his questions. We believe that’s a first in the movies: Secondhand smoke as a terrorist weapon.

RETURN TO L.A: Our vacation over, we drove south and it felt like home again when we became ensnared in a massive traffic jam on the 405.

We also noticed a reassuring sign on the freeway shoulder that said, “Road Construction Next 17 Miles.”

Still, we want you to know: We never once considered setting out on foot for Oregon.

On the other hand, we haven’t gone shopping here, either.

miscelLAny Car and Driver magazine is inviting readers to enter photos and / or stories in one of six contest categories: “Ten Best Camouflaged Cars,” “Ten Best Do-It-Yourself Auto Repairs That Went Horribly Wrong,” “Ten Best Wide-Wheel Conversions,” “Ten Best Hitchhiker Stories,” “Ten Best Crash / Accident Stories” and “Ten Best Vanity License Plates.” Regarding the vanity category, the magazine adds: “Don’t send us the one that reads OJ DIDIT--we already ran it.”