Cover Your Ears, Talk Is Getting Rough

I don’t know my kikuyu from my zoysia. To me, they sound like monsters from Japanese movies. You know, terror strikes downtown Tokyo as the radioactive Kikuyu gets into a terrible fight with Maxima and Altima.

Shortly after I got to Riviera, however, to attend Tuesday’s rehearsal for this week’s PGA Championship golf tournament, one of the first things I overheard was 1983 PGA champion Hal Sutton telling a spellbound roomful of people, “Well, first of all, there’s nothing in the world like kikuyu and zoysia.” And everyone was taking copious notes, as though Hal were talking about, oh, locusts.

It turns out that between the thick kikuyu grass in the rough and whatever kind of grass it is that farmer Ben Crenshaw used his Garden Weasel to seed the greens with, Riviera is abuzz this week with more discussion of grass than anyone since the Grateful Dead. What was it Samuel Johnson once said: “A blade of grass is a blade of grass; now tell me something about a human being?” Yes, please do.

Nevertheless, I planted myself by the steep staircase beyond the 18th green, perched above what Jack Nicklaus once included among his greatest 18 holes in major championship golf. I wanted to know what the golfers were saying after their practice rounds, about Riviera and its grassy knolls.

Difficult greens, someone cued Tom Watson.

“That’s true,” Watson said, “but these golfers, they can make putts over Mt. Everest.”

No golfer came off the course praying to the great golf god Kikuyu. I suppose these guys have already seen every natural wonder there is to see in their travels, from the weeds and gorse of Scotland to the hippopotamus footprints of Uganda, and are rarely unnerved by anything, even killer kikuyu. If they had to, they could probably practice on cactus.

For the most part, players came away Tuesday talking about the various ways they revere Riviera, whether they had played it recently or not. Ernie Els never had. Greg Norman hadn’t set foot on it since the PGA of 1983. Sutton spoke of much misfortune that had befallen him since nipping his boyhood idol Nicklaus at the 18th flag a dozen years ago, but wanted to make clear: “I think Riviera is in the best shape I’ve seen it since the last PGA here.”

So, let the tournament begin. Gentlemen, start your weed whackers.

Nick Price: “The rough is not as severe as I remember it in ‘83, but it’s still severe enough to penalize you if you miss the fairway. So, it’s a ball-striker’s course.

“I can distinctly remember on the left of No. 3 last time, the rough was probably six inches deep there. And the ball . . . well, what happens with kikuyu is once it gets over three or four inches, the ball actually drops down into it. I can remember taking a sand wedge there, taking a full swing and hitting it maybe eight or 10 yards back onto the fairway. You almost had to stand on the ball that year to find it.”

Yes, and the PGA generally frowns on standing on one’s ball.

Corey Pavin: “I’ve never played this course in August before. Even though we had a lot of rough at the Nissan Open this year, it was a lot of rye grass, and now it’s all kikuyu out there and it’s thick. It’s the kind of grass you can get a good lie or a horrible lie.

“If you get into the long kikuyu, everything depends on your lie. You can have a lie that sits up like on a tee and you can hit it straight up in the air, or you can go down into the kikuyu where the only thing you can do is chop it out and hope for the best. Did I answer your question?”

Yes, and I believe Riviera should post warning signs: Beware the Long Kikuyu.

Sutton: “The ball will sit down in the kikuyu. You never know whether you’re going to have a great lie when you get to your ball or a really bad lie. Sometimes the ball can be setting up so high, you could hit a driver off it.”

Yes, or even your kikuyu wedge.

The roughage of the rough aside, the PGA entrants couldn’t have sounded more pleased. Fred Couples was glad to be back at “one of my all-time favorite courses.” Norman referred to Riviera as “a classic golf course,” suited perfectly for a good driver who can shape his tee shots to the course’s contours. Els enjoyed his first round ever here, saying: “I’ve heard so many great things about this golf course. It’s supposed to be a great course, so we’ll see.”

Yes, we will.

It was Watson who had the answer I liked best, when asked how he thought Riviera looked. “Well,” he said, “she’s all dressed up, isn’t she?”