LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Cutler Daily Scoop, on the Clintons’ vacation: “Experts analyzing the President say he is powerful, but has a lazy follow-through. And his golf game is shaky at times, too.”

* Adds Cutler: “A reporter who played nine holes with the President says Clinton’s favorite expression on the golf course is, ‘What’d I do?’ That’s ironic, considering that was Reagan’s favorite expression in the White House.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Arkansas officials spending $11,000 per insect to move some endangered beetles from a planned landfill: “For that kind of money, they’d better be talking about Paul, George and Ringo.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on a boost to Bob Dole’s image and campaign: “Anna Nicole Smith says he’s way too young for her.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Phil Gramm tying Dole in the Iowa straw poll: “He’s distanced himself from traditional Republicans. He’s trying to come across as a friend to the working lobbyist.”

Hamilton, on the Menendez brothers making a major change in attire for their retrial: “They’ll wear suits and ties instead of sweaters. Only in L.A. would the county jail have a wardrobe department.”

*

Cirque du O.J.: “How did the Fuhrman tape transcripts get so riddled with errors? Johnnie Cochran sent them to Rosa Lopez for transcription.” (Tony Peyser)

* “It was a magic moment in court when Judge Ito scolded the usually natty Cochran for sloppy briefs.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “With the soiled witnesses, bloody gloves and sloppy briefs, this isn’t a trial anymore. It’s a laundry commercial.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “The defense team was criticized for falling below acceptable minimum standards. But further evaluation showed that the lawyers were still far above bar association standards.” (Brad Halpern)

* “If a hung jury costs $7 million, what does an acquittal cost? Gil Garcetti his job.” (Larry Jensen)

*

John met his elderly lifelong friend, Sam, on the street and said he’d heard that Sam married a 23-year-old woman after his first wife died. When Sam said yes, John wondered: “How is the marriage, you being 80 and she being 23?”

“Great,” said Sam. “She lets me do things my first wife would never let me do.”

When John asked what his friend meant, Sam replied: “Well, for instance, she lets me eat all the butter I want.”

--Harold Starr, Santa Monica

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When reader Kitty McCoy of Palm Desert needed to find a baby-sitter for her two daughters, the young girls suggested their neighbor, Barbara. Questioning her qualifications, McCoy asked her daughters if Barbara was old enough to baby-sit.

“Oh yes, mother,” replied daughter Tracy. “She can make fudge, and she has hair under her arms.”