LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Jimmy Hoffa’s son running for president of the Teamsters Union: “Critics say it’ll be hard for him to fill his father’s cement shoes.”

* Adds comic Jenny Church: “Young Hoffa is annoyed by the way people keep bringing up his dad. Little by little. From under Giants Stadium.”

Comedy writer Paul Ecker, on La Liz’s trial separation from hubby No. 7: “She says she needs her space. That means she’s either stressed out, or she’s put on a few pounds again.”

* Adds comedy writer Bob Mills: “Friends say problems arose almost immediately after the wedding when the DMV refused to issue her a driver’s license under the name Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Warner Fortensky.”

Comedy writer Brad Halpern, on Wednesday’s juror emergency in the O.J. trial: “Apparently, one had accidentally swallowed some of the Dream Team’s claims.”

* Adds Peyser: “One panel member wanted to be excused, but was talked into staying when Judge Ito promised the case would end by September, and that the juror’s book could still be in stores by Christmas.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Time Warner offering $8 billion for Turner Broadcasting: “Ted Turner is weighing his options. But if he calls now, he will also get a free desk clock.”

* Adds Mills: “The major sticking point is Turner’s insistence that the deal include 250,000 surplus Jane Fonda exercise videos.”

Comic Steve Tatham, on President Clinton’s just-ended vacation: “He spent the time golfing, hiking and fishing for an agenda.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on the death of speed-reading guru Evelyn Wood, who could read 15,000 words a minute: “Witnesses say she was reading on a rainy night when she skidded off the end of a sentence and plunged 16 paragraphs to her death.”

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Sports shorts: Ecker, on Tonya Harding forming a rock group: “Everyone was surprised, except the U.S. Figure Skating Assn. It’s been listening to her song and dance for a couple years now.”

* Adds comedy writer Alex Pearlstein: “Her stage name will be Triple Axl Rose.”

Mills, on the rude welcome given new Dodger Mike Busch: “It’s tough when the only signal you get from the third-base coach is one finger. . . . And even tougher when you have to go an entire nine innings without one teammate patting you on the butt.”

* Adds Mark Elliott: “Tommy Lasorda is so upset by all this that he’s having trouble keeping his sensible dinner down.”

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While L.A. reader Henry H. Randolph was helping a neighbor who was stranded along the 101 with tire trouble, the friend’s son, 7, played a safe distance from the freeway. When the boy yanked a large weed from the ground, and Randolph complimented his strength, the boy proudly exclaimed:

“The whole world had ahold of the other end of it!”