LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Celebrity Watch: A handcuffed man trying to commit suicide Thursday was saved after he jumped off the Santa Monica Pier by Dr. Steven Hoefflin, Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. Also at the scene were Dr. Bruce Hensel, KNBC medical reporter, and Heidi Fleiss:

* “Of course, the really heroic part comes when these guys explain to their wives what they were doing with Heidi at the beach at night.” (Jay Leno)

* “It’s the first time Heidi’s ever been around a handcuffed man when a bedpost wasn’t involved.” (Bob Mills)

* “Turns out that the guy with the death wish was just Charlie Sheen overreacting to his MasterCard bill.” (Kenny Noble)

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on La Liz’s separation after four years: “People are suggesting that Miss Taylor and hubby Larry Fortensky have nothing in common. That’s not true. She once married a Hilton, and he once helped build one.”

* Adds Leno: “Four years? Well, I guess he finally finished remodeling the kitchen.”

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Time Warner’s estimated $8.5-billion offer for Turner Broadcasting: “This would be the second-biggest merger in Ted Turner’s family history. Years ago, Jane Fonda sold out to North Vietnam.”

Ray, on The Newt and his wife vacationing in North Carolina: “Gingrich likes to go out into the wilderness and talk to God: ‘Can you hear me, Mr. Murdoch? I’m on a cellular.’ ”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton in Hawaii for World War II ceremonies: “It’s solemn. He’ll lay a wreath at the beach where Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr made love during the attack on Pearl Harbor.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on the Raiders’ first football game back in Oakland: “TV viewers noticed the difference right away. The hard hitting, the name calling, the gang tackling. Except this time, it was on the field.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “A very special episode of ‘ER’ was on Thursday night. I guess the emergency room doctors operated for seven hours trying to remove Mark Fuhrman’s head from his rear end.” (Leno)

* “Johnnie Cochran was so livid at Judge Ito’s ruling on the Fuhrman tapes that he was forced to surface to allow air to enter his gill slits.” (Brad Halpern)

* “Dove Books Publisher Michael Viner didn’t buy Laura Hart McKinny’s tapes of Fuhrman because ‘they didn’t even pass the smell test as being anything close to literature.’ Yeah, and Dove’s ‘I Want to Tell You’ just reeks of Dostoevsky.” (Tony Peyser)

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While working on a word puzzle, Torrance reader Phil Johnston’s grandson Cory, 6, helped Grandpa sound out possibilities. After Cory struggled briefly with liver , Johnston asked the boy if he knew what it meant. Cory replied:

“Sure, like in liverty and justice for all.”