LAUGH LINES : Punchlines
In the news: Jay Leno, on AT&T; splitting into three companies: “One will be in charge of routing annoying calls to you during dinner, another will bill you for calls you never made, and the last one will make you wait all day for service.”
* Adds comedy writer Paul Ecker: “AT&T; has broken up more times in recent years than Tommy Lasorda’s SlimFast promise.”
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on rumors that Los Angeles Police Chief Willie L. Williams may resign: “His experience with violent crime wouldn’t be wasted, though. He’s already been offered a job as an assistant coach at the University of Nebraska.”
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the possibility of a special prosecutor being named for The Newt’s ethics probe: “Investigators want to look more closely at the House Speaker’s second residence--Rupert Murdoch’s back pocket.”
Cutler Daily Scoop, on pundits declaring Pete Wilson’s campaign dead: “You think Wilson is finished? Tell that to Gov. Kathleen Brown.”
Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Senate overwhelmingly passing a welfare reform bill that limits benefits to five years: “Notice that whenever term limits apply to somebody else, senators pass it 87-12?”
Comic Jenny Church, on the House voting to end the national maximum speed limit: “Now members of Congress may exceed 55 m.p.h. as they flee the Democratic Party.”
* Adds Joe Kevaney: “Representatives finally realized that the rest of America had passed them by.”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on magazine publisher Malcolm S. Forbes Jr. entering the Republican race for President: “The multimillionaire’s campaign slogan is, Free the Fortune 500. “
* Adds Kathy Peyser: “To court the black vote, Malcolm is changing his middle initial from S to X .”
Leno, on Heidi Fleiss’ father’s one-day jail sentence for money laundering: “With our legal system, with good behavior he’ll be out by lunch.”
Cutler, on today’s opening of “Showgirls,” the controversial NC-17-rated movie: “This film promises more boobs than the Simpson defense team.”
*
Cirque du O.J.: “The defense still planned to call Mary Ann Gerchas as a witness until it learned her testimony had been picked up as a fall sitcom.” (Dan O’Neill)
* “This trial has paraded more witnesses than a Billy Graham crusade.” (Kenny Noble)
* “Johnnie Cochran is ready to appear before the jury for closing arguments. In fact, he just had his teeth cleaned--all three rows.” (Brad Halpern)
*
Escondido reader Pat Flynn says that although son Michael, 5, likes baseball, he still doesn’t have all the terminology down quite right. As the teams and umpires took the field for a Padres afternoon game this year, Michael asked, “Which ones are the vampires?” As everyone chuckled, Michael’s 17-year-old cousin from Oregon quickly answered him:
“They only come out for night games, Michael.”
