LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Gov. Pete Wilson signed a law expanding the state’s death penalty. Comedy writer Jerry Perisho says it now includes (1) Wilson’s presidential campaign, (2) the California Angels’ post-season, and (3) CBS’ evening lineup.

In Indianapolis, looters rushed to rob the injured victims of a car wreck. Comedy writer Argus Hamilton says the police aren’t the only ones looking for the culprits: “Six law schools have offered them scholarships.”

Carnegie Hall decided not to let Roseanne do a show there because she’d probably use profanity. But comedy writer Alex Pearlstein says they’re still welcoming her with open arms at the Carnegie Deli.

A volcano is threatening New Zealand. Comedy writer Alan Ray says travel agents now ask visitors if they want smoking or nonsmoking.

Republicans want to let private bill collectors take over debt collection for the IRS. Comedy writer Paul Ryan says they’ve put together a pilot program with two firms that use the same collection techniques as the IRS: the Gottis and the Gambinos.

President Clinton told reporters he’s going to try to lose a little weight. Ray says he wasn’t exactly raised on healthy food. Back in Arkansas they think high cholesterol is some sort of religious holiday.

Comedy writer Gary Easley asks: “Now that Clinton has made funk a presidential word, aren’t we glad champion speller Dan Quayle isn’t running?”

Kmart is selling its car-care centers to Penske Auto. The inventory is impressive, says Ray: “13 million parts, 16 million accessories and one checkout line.”

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Cirque du O.J.: As the trial rolled into its final phase, Hamilton says it felt sort of like opening day of the World Series: “The jury got a break after seven hours. So they all stood up, stretched and sang ‘Take Me Out to the Crime Scene.’ ”

* Adds Pearlstein: “Frantic TV networks summoned Dr. Ruth after Judge Ito engaged in courtus interruptus. “

* The Cutler Daily Scoop on Marcia Clark’s evidence that the murders were premeditated: Bringing gloves, a cap, a knife . . . wanting Kato to think he was just running for a burger. “There’s a flaw in his plan: Wanting Kato to think. “

* Closing arguments are the most pivotal in any case, says Ray: “Jurors must decide which lawyer is telling the truth--and which lawyer is practicing his craft.”

* Adds comedy writer Tony Peyser: “During much of the prosecution’s closing arguments, O.J. was frantically tapping the escape key on his laptop.”

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Marilyn Foraker of Studio City was driving with her 5-year-old grandson, Benjamin, one night when he pointed out the full moon. She explained that it would get smaller and smaller until it was only a sliver. Replied Benjamin, true yuppie offspring:

“And then it will be called a croissant moon.”