LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton on their 20th anniversary. The First Lady says she has a very romantic surprise for the President. Comedy writer Bill Williams says he knows it won't be Flowers.

The director of the Department of Motor Vehicles resigned abruptly Tuesday. Comedy writer Dave Margolis says the director tried to resign Monday, but found he'd been standing in the wrong line.

* Writer Gary Easley says the problem was the portrait of the director that hangs in every office. "The DMV refused to change it, even after he explained that when the photo was taken he hadn't shaved, he was squinting because he had his glasses off, and it was a really bad hair day."

There is a massive bologna recall, notes comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: "Yes, the Menendez brothers are set to testify again.

* Comic Jenny Church says the bologna maker is concerned that consumers might mistake its product for the GOP Medicare plan.

Comedy writer Tony Peyser says House Democrats are in favor of a new immigration law that would prevent party members from crossing the border into the Republican Party.

Comedy writer Steve Tatham says Universal Studios' new "WaterWorld" live show is action-packed: "There's nonstop fighting among the crew, the stage sinks and it all ends with a huge bomb."

Last year's heavy California rains mean higher prices for wine and the state's biggest cash crop, marijuana. Jym Dingler says that means it'll cost more for the daze of wine and roaches. *

Cirque du O.J.: So why did he back out of that NBC interview?

* He was busy hitting golf balls, or taking a nap, or taking a shower, or packing for a trip. (Kaseberg)

* He was afraid Tom Brokaw and Katie Couric would put him through the wringer playing "good cop, perky cop." (Bob Mills)

* Johnnie Cochran told him, "If you have a flaw, you must withdraw." (Argus Hamilton)

* Although Wednesday was National Coming Out Day, he decided instead to observe National Staying In and Hiding From the Truth Day. (Tatham)

* When Cochran heard O.J. had agreed to the interview, he said, "Over my dead body. But, on second thought. . . ." (Wesley Wellman)

* O.J. said although he's happy to be free, he still hasn't gotten over that great, great loss: $30 million from pay-per-view. (Alan Ray)


Marc Berkov of Culver City says his third-grade daughter's friend, Joan, came home from school very sad one day.

"What's wrong?" her mother asked.

"I'm failing in sex," the girl replied.

"How do you know?"

"I helped the teacher sort out some cards today and I came across one with my name on it, and after sex it had an F."

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