LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

Million Man March (give or take a few hundred thousand):

* "Members of Congress were astounded. They'd never seen that many people gathered on the Mall who weren't lobbyists." (Bob Mills)

* "Officials set up 3,000 portable toilets. And one fire hydrant for Snoop Doggy Dogg." (Paul Ecker)

* "The only real trouble came when one marcher admitted to preferring Michael Bolton's version of 'Dock of the Bay.' " (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* "More Nation of Islam bodyguards would have been there, but Johnnie Cochran needed several in Los Angeles because he had to go pick up his dry-cleaning." (Tony Peyser)

* "There haven't been so many bow ties in a public park since the math and science clubs held their combined picnic." (Gary Easley)

* "Nobody at the march recognized O.J. Simpson. He was wearing his fake beard." (Jerry Perisho)

* "Some believe Louis Farrakhan's message was inspired by Caesar: Vidi. Vici. Venom. " (Kenny Noble)

* "Farrakhan got so carried away spewing racist epithets against whites, Jews and Asians that he accidentally used the 'N-word.' " (Larry Swerdlow)


Also in the news: Cutler, on word that Colin Powell is a distant cousin of Queen Elizabeth: "See? You get interested in running for public office and suddenly all the horrible dirt in your life comes out."

Comic Jenny Church, on reports of cheating at livestock competitions by using dyes, cosmetic surgery and drugs on farm animals: "How do you tell which sheep are on drugs? They're the ones following Pat Buchanan."

Cutler, on charges that the CIA spied on Japan's trade representatives during auto talks with the U.S.: "Now the CIA is spying on our auto industry to determine what exactly a 'destination charge' is."

Comic Argus Hamilton, on O.J.'s Hollywood image: "His condition has been downgraded from critical to Senate Democrat. "

Mills, on a poll showing personal computer use is spotty and inconsistent: "53% exchange e-mail, 41% do research, 30% get news and 16% use their floppy disk slot to warm frozen breakfast crepes."

Comedy writer Tyler Horn, on shaved heads and baggy clothing as popular attire for gangbangers: "There's a good reason for it. It's a lot easier to check for ticks and fleas."

Mills, on the recent discovery of a 2 1/2-minute wax cylinder recording of Thomas Edison's voice that was made in 1888: "More remarkably, just two days after he made the recording, a counterfeit version was sold to an American tourist in Taiwan."


When Anaheim reader Michael Scofield took his nephew Jimmy, then 9, on a ride to the mountains above Lake Arrowhead one day, the young boy began to recognize some landmarks in the area:

"I've been here before," Jimmy announced. "My Dad took me up here for some quality time."

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