LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Jay Leno, on President Clinton inviting Ted Turner, Jane Fonda and the Atlanta Braves to the White House: “That’s a smart move because the President can learn a lot from them. . . . Ted can teach him how to put together a winning team, and Jane can tell him what it was like to go to Vietnam.”

Jenny Church, on the President insisting that America is “on a roll”: “Yeah. And a sesame seed bun is just around the corner.”

Bob Mills, on the Clintons keeping Norway’s royal family waiting: “It was the White House butler’s fault. He thought the couple at the front door said they were from Amway.”

Conan O’Brien, on a dermatologist being called in last week to look at blotches on the President’s face: “Good news, though. It turns out they were just dried patches of McDonald’s special sauce.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the Christian Coalition influencing the Republican tax bill: “Knew the Lord was my shepherd, but didn’t know he was my congressman, too.”

Bill Maher, on Ross Perot’s new party getting enough signatures to qualify for the 1996 presidential ballot in California: “Not only has he got enough signatures, he says one of the voices in his head is now a surfer dude.”

Jerry Perisho, on the New Hampshire legislator competing in the Ms. United States Pageant: “In the talent competition, Linda Ann Smith will tap dance around the issues, juggle her campaign finances and then make government services disappear.”

Tony Peyser, on the hostile takeover attempt of First Interstate Bank: “Once completed, Wells Fargo will make bids for the Left Bank in Paris and the West Bank in the Middle East.”

Leno, on the No. 1 lie in the new book “101 Lies Men Tell to Women:” “Yeah, ‘Bridges of Madison County’ made me cry too.”

Cutler, on the woman who tried to break into a Delaware prison: “That’s one of the more novel ways of getting a recording contract from Time Warner.”

Argus Hamilton, on former President Jimmy Carter saying Pete Rose should be elected to baseball’s Hall of Fame despite his gambling problem: “Rose broke Ty Cobb’s record in 1985. He hit seven on 15 consecutive rolls at Harrah’s Tahoe.”

*

Halloween finale: “Forget to dress Tuesday? Show up today dressed as the cable guy.” (Cutler)

* “Hillary wore a simple T-shirt with the phrase: I’m with One Term. “ (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “O.J. was going as an Isotoner glove, but he took it back to the costume shop. It didn’t fit.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Last-minute costume idea: Find a pair of blinders and go as a Simpson juror.” (Cutler)

*

When Rolling Hills Estates reader Lauretta Carroll’s daughter Patricia delivered her second son, first-born Warren, then 2 1/2, was very jealous and unhappy. When the nurse who had helped Patricia for a week after she came home from the hospital was leaving for good, Warren cried out to her:

“Wait. You forgot to take the baby.”