LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Jenny Church, on the message from President Clinton that senior White House adviser George Stephanopoulos delivered to a unity brunch in Sherman Oaks: “More ham.”

Argus Hamilton, on progress in the Bosnian/Serb peace talks in Ohio: “They may not end the war, but after a week in Dayton, their bowling averages are up to 165.”

Tony Peyser, on The Newt’s plan for the GOP to sponsor 1996 legislation to help the poor: “A top priority is aiding needy representatives who aren’t currently on lobbyists’ payrolls.”

Paul Ryan, on the cancellation of O.J.’s New Jersey autograph signing after numerous protests: “Good. I always thought that having it at Benihana was a bad idea from the start.”

Paul Ecker, on workers spending five hours cleaning up 35,000 pounds of lettuce spilled on the Ventura Freeway: “It would have been easier to pick up the lettuce if it had fallen on the fork in the road.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on CNN receiving hundreds of calls from people who said they saw the face of Jesus when the Hubble telescope pictured a star being born: “He was mouthing the words, ‘Hi, Mom!’ ”

Bob Mills, on news that two-thirds of the 11 million tickets for the ’96 Olympics are already gone: “Still, fans needn’t despair. There are still plenty of hot tickets for such events as full-contact tether ball and the 4000-meter super-model cuticle pull.”

Hamilton, on doctors at Johns Hopkins saying that two drinks a day may prevent heart attacks in older women: “They already knew how a couple drinks affect younger women. Doctors at TGI Friday’s shared their research with them.”

John Bowater, on the conversion of Lizzie Borden’s old home into a bed and breakfast hostel: “Would it be bad form for a guest to order a Bloody Mary?”

*

That’s Entertainment? Alan Ray, on singer James Brown being stripped of the title “the hardest working man in show business”: “That title now officially goes to his probation officer.”

Larry Swerdlow, on reports that Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson’s marriage may be invalid: “It seems they ignored the Dominican Republic’s mandatory 10-month waiting period after plastic surgery.”

Cutler, on the Captain and Tennille celebrating their 20th anniversary by renewing their wedding vows: “More than 20 guests fell ill when the couple insisted on performing ‘Muskrat Love.’ ”

*

When Manhattan Beach reader John Daly heard an ambulance siren go by his home and stop a few doors down the block, he suggested that son Chris, 10, go and see what it was about. Chris returned moments later, saying someone was having a baby, and his dad asked how the boy knew so quickly:

“Because,” Chris replied, “the ambulance said ‘Gerber’ on the side of it!”