THE NFL / BILL PLASCHKE : This Shula Could Have Some Real Problems

We now know resurrections can happen in San Francisco, where there is a sense of honor and class, not to mention an overwhelming fear that losing will bring an end to those short practices and lavish parties.

But can the same thing happen Monday night in Miami? In a game against the 49ers, the Dolphins need a victory.

After starting the season 4-0, they have lost four of their last five games against teams with combined records of 15-25. In those four losses, they have been outscored in the fourth quarter, 38-13.

In a season in which many of the mighty have lost their footing--from San Diego to New England--nobody has crumbled more easily than the Dolphins.

A nudge from Jim Harbaugh, a gentle shove from Bubby Brister and boom.

This was a team that was one missed field goal away from the AFC championship game last winter, a team that had since acquired enough good players to field two teams, a team that genuinely wants to give Dan Marino one last chance at a Super Bowl victory.

The Dolphins have both machinery and motive, which should be enough in a league where Harbaugh is the leading passer.

What don’t they have?

Besides more than two victories against teams with winning records?

Try coaching.

Don Shula has lost it.

Either that or his brain has been stuck somewhere under those tight white golf shirts.

Earlier this year, he allowed some of his best players to celebrate their third consecutive loss with a plane trip to Cleveland to watch a World Series game on their day off.

Except day became night became early morning. The guys, including starters Terry Kirby, Keith Byars and Eric Green, showed up at practice with only a few hours sleep.

The old Shula would have publicly scolded them. Or at least forced them to watch a week’s worth of 3 a.m. NFL Films specials, including several versions of “Hank Stram: Vests I Have Known.”

This Shula said nothing.

Friends of This Shula wonder if he hasn’t been softened by a new high-rent social life he enjoys with his wife, Mary Anne. Friends wonder if, at 65, This Shula needs to learn new lines.

Since that day, perhaps not coincidentally, the locker room has slowly come apart at its golden seams.

With $18 million paid out in signing bonuses, with 19 first-round draft choices on the roster, the Dolphins are an example of how assembling the best talent in the NFL has little to do with the best team.

Safety Louis Oliver recently said he was better than starters Gene Atkins and Michael Stewart.

Atkins responded that if Shula benched Stewart, he would walk off the team in protest.

So Shula benched Atkins, who this week responded by--what a surprise--cursing and walking out of a meeting in protest. Funny, but he never once mentioned anything about returning the $1.8-million bonus check he was handed this summer.

These days, the Dolphin sideline resembles a South Beach street corner. Players strut and sulk and curse. Coordinators Tom Olivadotti and Gary Stevens frown and scratch their headsets. The whispers are becoming shouts that can be heard to Havana:

If Shula doesn’t recapture his old fire, he should be fired.

This would be too bad. The winningest coach in NFL history deserves a softer landing.

“We’ve won six and lost four, and I saw a stat the other day that 21 of the 30 teams are between 4-6 and 6-4 . . . that’s pretty amazing,” Shula said. “I guess we’re just going through what everybody else is going through.”

Shula later amended that statement to say that he was not satisfied with being like everybody else.

Used to be, he didn’t need to make that clarification.

GOOFUS AND GALLANTS

With that big hair and those blue suits, Bud Adams may look as though he has lived in Nashville all his life. But he worked harder in one week to keep the Oilers in Houston than Art Modell worked in two years to keep the Browns in Cleveland. Modell never offered $80 million of his own money to build a new downtown stadium. Modell never said he could close the deal without a tax increase. And Adams, bless his soul, is leaving the name “Oilers” where he found it. Entries are already arriving in the contest to name the new Tennessee (not Nashville) franchise. . . . Last Sunday against Carolina, St. Louis tackle Jackie Slater played on the Rams’ first two possessions, and their final one, in his one and only game this season. He was carried off the field by teammates after becoming the first player in NFL history to play 20 seasons with the same club. His class will be missed.

The leader in the race for Most Hacked-Off Player is Jeff Lageman, Jacksonville Jaguar defensive lineman, who thought Seattle Seahawk blockers were treating him unfairly while leading their unit to 47 points last week. At one point he started screaming and pointing at Christian Fauria, who recalled: “I couldn’t understand some of the things he said. He sounded like Freddie Krueger.” . . . Believe It: In Jeff Blake’s 19 starts as quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals, he has failed to throw a touchdown pass only once. . . . Don’t Believe It: The first-place Atlanta Falcons are proving that the run-and-shoot offense still works? Not quite. They are 4-0 in games in which they have rushed for more than 100 yards. They are 2-4 otherwise.

ONE-LINERS

The NFL is buzzing with the theory that the 49ers play well only when infuriated: Their three best games this year came on the day after Deion Sanders signed with the Dallas Cowboys, the week the Rams popped off about their superiority and the week the Cowboys did the same. . . . Bet Steve Young plays against the Rams in two weeks, especially if the surgery clears his mind and allows him to throw without fear. . . . Buddy Ryan, whose Arizona Cardinals play the Carolina Panthers this weekend in one of the more uninteresting games of the year, spiced things up by claiming that Dom Capers’ Panther defense, tied for the NFC lead with 25 takeaways, is “a takeoff on what we do.” Ryan said Capers learned the techniques while watching films of Ryan’s Houston Oiler defense when Capers coached in Pittsburgh. “Well, he’s correct in one statement,” Capers said. “I did watch a lot of Houston film, but I was watching Houston’s offense, not their defense.”

Just the news the NFL needs to hear: The Panthers will apparently not sell out one game at 76,000-seat Clemson Stadium this year, their interim home while a facility is being built in downtown Charlotte. . . . You’ll never guess who became the Detroit Lions’ all-time winningest coach last week with 56 victories . . . and 59 losses. “I thought somebody would put in big headlines, ‘Winningest coach in Detroit history,’ ” Wayne Fontes said. “I didn’t see it. Had tears in my eyes.” . . . Sorry to say, the Bears will whip the Lions Sunday, score about 50 points on the league’s 29th-ranked defense, and Fontes’ cigar will finally burn out.

THREE DOTS AND A CLOUD OF DUST

The Denver Broncos’ John Elway is expected to play Sunday against the San Diego Chargers despite a sore arm and head. But if he doesn’t? The Broncos are 0-6 in games that Elway has not started in this decade. If backup Bill Musgrave is the starter, he will probably throw more passes Sunday than in his previous five seasons combined (17). . . . Elway has more NFL seasons (13) than Musgrave has completed passes (12). . . . Is anybody else not surprised that the Kansas City Chiefs are crediting their success to the departure of Joe Montana? “Ever since I’ve been in Kansas City it was always, ‘Joe Montana and the Kansas City Chiefs,’ ” cornerback Mark Collins said. “A lot of guys, though they wouldn’t say it, didn’t like that much. I know I didn’t like it much.” . . . And if the Chiefs were losing, they would be blaming it on Montana. The modern-day athlete is great at swinging at guys who can’t swing back. . . . Seattle receiver Joey Galloway, in his 10th career NFL game, stopped in the end zone after scoring last Sunday and shouted, “I’m the man!” . . . Has Jerry Rice ever made that same claim?

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QUICK KICKS

CHEESE TIED: Hours after the Green Bay Packers defeated the Chicago Bears in their 151st meeting last week, police discovered a most unusual souvenir:

A Packer fan tied to a stop sign on a rural highway near the Illinois border.

The man had been forcibly removed from a nearby tavern and strapped to the sign with duct tape by angry Bear fans. Their complaint? What else? He was dogging them.

Above the man’s head, the perpetrators put a placard that read, “Packers Fan.”

Once unwrapped, the man refused to press charges. And the legend of pro football’s oldest rivalry grows.

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BOOBS ON THE TUBE: Last Monday, during the telecast of the first game played by the Cleveland Browns since the announcement of their move to Baltimore, ABC television failed to report that eight busloads of Brown fans, including Cleveland Mayor Michael White, were demonstrating outside Pittsburgh’s Three Rivers Stadium.

And you actually thought the network would?

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BOOBS II: During a recent celebrated hourlong program on TNT featuring a “behind-the-scenes” look at a game between the Dallas Cowboys and Minnesota Vikings, there was no NFL Films footage of Troy Aikman’s halftime snit during which he screamed at teammates who said he has never been more angry.

That’s why the company is called “NFL” Films.

Next time you are asked to purchase one of their highlights or blooper videos, just remember what you won’t be seeing.

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LIFE IN THE NEW NFL: How crazy are things at the Houston home of the soon-to-be Nashville Oilers?

Nashville’s mayor was recently watching practice at the Houston facility when a helicopter swooped down at midfield to give him a lift to the airport.

The stunned players scattered.

“When I first saw the chopper, I thought it was [Carolina linebacker] Lamar Lathon,” said Micheal Barrow, Oiler linebacker. “Lamar said when he made enough money, he was going to get a helicopter and come back to stop practice.”

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HONESTY AWARD: Kurt Schulz, an anonymous free safety from the Buffalo Bills who leads the NFL with six interceptions, explained his success like this:

“For some reason, the quarterbacks throw the ball to me.”