THE NFL / BILL PLASCHKE : No, Really, They Can’t Stand Each Other

They were grabbing and tugging each other as newborns, in the first game in the history of either franchise, an American Football League exhibition in 1960 in which the Dallas Texans defeated the Oakland Raiders by a touchdown.

Thirty-six years later, now adults with bad tempers and long memories, the feud continues.

The Texans are the Kansas City Chiefs, the Raiders have been to Los Angeles and back, yet nothing has changed.

They dislike each other’s uniforms. They despise each other’s fans.

They steal each other’s players and coaches. They break each other’s hearts.

In an era of bravado and staged emotion, the Chiefs and Raiders genuinely can’t stand each other.

In 73 meetings, the Raiders have won 36 times, the Chief have won 35 times, and there have been two ties.

The Raiders dominated early, but the Chiefs have won 11 of the last 12 and are threatening to drive Raider boss Al Davis out of his mind.

Welcome to pro football’s great rivalry.

The blood is so rotten between the Chiefs and Raiders that Davis refuses to shake hands with Chief General Manager Carl Peterson.

The bad feeling is so ingrained that each time the teams meet, former Chief tight end Fred Arbanas wears his jersey and throws a party. And he’s been out of the game for 25 years.

Hank Stram, former Chief coach, used to tear apart his locker room in Oakland, searching for bugs he was certain had been planted by Davis.

Davis used to stare at planes flying over his practice facility in Oakland, thinking they were on Kansas City spy missions.

For seven consecutive years in the late 1960s and early 1970s, either the Raiders or Chiefs finished first in the AFL Western Conference and AFC West.

And the other one was always second.

From this uncomfortable proximity, battle lines were drawn that have remained today.

The Chiefs, with an off-field dress code that included red sport coats and excluded mustaches, were perceived as solid Midwestern citizens. The Raiders were the rogues from the Coast.

“They had rules about their clothes . . . our bosses were lucky if we wore any clothes,” said Tom Keating, longtime Raider defensive tackle. “The teams were so very different.”

And yet so much the same. Each team always had a good quarterback, big offensive linemen and a rough defense.

All of which means Sunday’s rematch in Oakland will be a dandy. The only question is, how will it develop?

Will one of the Raiders drive his helmet into the back of the Chief quarterback after he has run for an apparent game-clinching first down? Causing a fight that nullifies the first down and leads to a Raider comeback and eventual division championship?

That’s what happened in 1970. Ben Davidson’s cheap shot on Len Dawson will never be forgotten by the Chiefs, who maintain it cost them a chance at defending their Super Bowl championship. They haven’t been to the big game since.

Or will it be something different? Maybe the Chiefs will wear their winter capes so the fans can’t see their numbers and aim their bottles at particular players. The Raiders have had to take those precautions in Kansas City.

Or maybe something will happen the night before the game, as was the case at the end of the 1969 season, when the Chiefs were visiting Oakland for the AFL championship game.

Stram was phoned in his hotel room by a man who claimed to have seen Raider quarterback Daryle Lamonica diagraming plays on a restaurant place mat.

The man had retrieved the place mat from the trash and wanted to know if Stram could use it. In exchange for a couple of game tickets, of course.

“I didn’t believe the guy,” Stram said. “I thought he was a double agent working for Al Davis. But I couldn’t discount him, either.”

So Stram invited the man to his hotel suite, hid in the back, and asked the team chaplain to pose as a coach. The priest accepted delivery of the place mat, which Stram then studied.

Sure enough, it had drawings of real Raider plays. And sure enough, the next day the Chiefs won the game, 17-7, en route to their only Super Bowl championship.

“Hey, those plays had nothing to do with the game,” Stram said. “Well, OK, maybe a little.”

Or maybe Sunday’s game will feature an interception returned for a touchdown in overtime by a Chief defensive back who was hidden in a hotel last spring so the Raiders couldn’t sign him.

Oops. Sorry. Already happened. Guy’s name is James Hasty. He did it a couple of months ago.

“They don’t like us and we don’t like them,” said Neil Smith, Chief defensive end who wore a “Raiders Hater” cap this week. “Should make for a good ballgame.”

THE OTHERS

The five other greatest NFL rivalries, in order:

2. Chicago Bears-Green Bay Packers: This is the oldest, dating to 1921, with the Bears holding an 82-63 edge. There have been six ties. But these teams have been in the same neighborhood for so long that each game is more like a pleasant reunion of war veterans than a war. . . . The Packers won both games this year and have won six of the last seven, including five of six since Dave Wannstedt became coach of the Bears.

3. New York Giants-Washington Redskins: Lawrence Taylor always said this was his favorite game, so that’s good enough for us. . . . Still can’t believe Sam Huff played for both. . . . The Giants lead, 73-51-3. . . . Norv Turner’s decision to pass up a field goal for a fourth-down conversion that failed late in their first meeting this year cost the Redskins the game--and may eventually cost him his job. The boss doesn’t forget it when you mess up against the Giants.

4. Dallas Cowboys-Redskins: America’s Team vs. America’s power brokers. They meet again Sunday in Dallas, with the Cowboys holding a 40-29-2 edge. . . . For five of seven years in the early 1970s, these guys finished 1-2 in the NFC East. . . . The Redskins have won only three games this year, but one of them was over you know who.

5. Cowboys-San Francisco 49ers: This isn’t ranked higher because it still is a baby. For a grudge fest of this intensity, they have met only 25 times. The key is, more than one-fourth of those games have been in the playoffs. . . . The 49ers lead, 13-11-1.

6. Atlanta Falcons-New Orleans Saints: This rivalry is usually void of championship implications, but fun nonetheless because they steal each other’s players, coaches and fans. . . . The Falcons lead, 29-24. . . . In seven of the last eight years, at least one of their two games was decided by three points or fewer. . . . The Falcons’ season became a success, no matter how they finish, when they stole kicker Morten Andersen from the Saints, then watched him beat New Orleans in overtime on Sept. 17.

ONE-LINERS

We hear that Commissioner Paul Tagliabue is marshaling forces to fight the Browns’ move to Baltimore. . . . He may even recommend against the move during the special January meeting in Atlanta, and take his chances. . . . If he can find a friendly judge or congressman, those chances improve. . . . If nothing else, we bet he persuades Art Modell to leave the nickname behind. . . . The Tampa Bay Buccaneers could move to Cleveland next year, become the new Browns, and all would be forgiven. . . . But never forgotten.

We hear that the league is actually relieved that somebody finally blew the whistle on an official asking for autographs. Apparently it has been happening for years, but they have never been able to stop it. . . . Fire Jerry Bergman, and that will stop it.

Hard to believe, but a victory against the Bears on Monday could lead the Detroit Lions to the playoffs. . . . Detroit’s final three games are in Houston, at home against Jacksonville, and at Tampa. . . . Coach Wayne Fontes, still one loss from being fired, is taking no chances. . . . His sprained ankle is apparently healed, but he will not remove his cast until their winning streak, now at three games, is broken.

If the Bears lose that showdown, Wannstedt’s tough practice regimen will be questioned. . . . The Bears hit harder and longer than any other team, yet are 2-6 in December under Wannstedt. . . . They haven’t won a road game in December for any coach in eight years.

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QUICK KICKS

DOG DAYS: A Houston Oiler employee was startled recently, walking into the storage room office of Coach Jeff Fisher and seeing Fisher’s secretary, Linda Greer, huddled behind a mattress.

“Go on over there, take a look,” said Fisher, smiling like a proud papa.

It turns out Greer was tending to her pet schnauzer, who had used Fisher’s work space to deliver five puppies.

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AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS O’DONNELL: The Steelers’ amazing rebirth after their 3-4 start began when Coach Bill Cowher ordered all cellular phones and pagers removed from the team’s training complex.

“It was a distraction, especially when the coach is talking and beepers are going off,” linebacker Greg Lloyd said.

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ONLY ON THE RAMS: The St. Louis Rams have hit such a dry patch that their coach, Rich Brooks, recently criticized the offense for poor tackling .

“Our offensive team probably is the worst I’ve ever been around after the ball’s been intercepted,” Brooks said. “I’m mean, it’s pathetic. It’s embarrassing.”

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ONLY IN GREEN BAY: The Packers posted a Help Wanted sign in hopes of attracting fans to shovel snow off the seats and walkways at Lambeau Field after a Sunday night blizzard. Paying $6 an hour, they attracted hundreds of folks who cleaned the stadium with three days to spare before Sunday’s game against the Cincinnati Bengals.

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ONLY IN GREEN BAY II: Rather than televise President Clinton’s speech on Bosnia, the ABC affiliate in Green Bay presented “The Mike Holmgren Show.”

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IT FIGURES: The man who is moving an institution because, he says, he is losing money, spent about $20,000 so his Cleveland Browns could practice in San Diego for two extra days before Sunday’s game.

Art Modell said he moved the team there on Wednesday night to avoid the hostility of Cleveland.