LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Bob Mills, on the White House calling Energy Secretary Hazel O’Leary on the carpet: “The dressing down would have had more impact if the carpet wasn’t a $30,000 Persian she picked up on her last junket.”

* Adds Cutler Daily Scoop: “She’s been in the doghouse so often, they’re now calling her ‘Pooch.’ ”

Joe Kevany, on California freeway signs being changed to 65 mph: “While highway workers expect to get most up on Sunday and Monday, taggers say it will take at least another week to paint them.”

Jay Leno, on GOP presidential contender Richard Lugar: “He has been denied Secret Service protection on the grounds that nobody could pick him out of a crowd anyway.”

Argus Hamilton, on Rep. Enid Waldholtz’s emotional press conference: “She cried for nearly five hours, beating Tammy Faye Bakker’s previous world record by 17 buckets.”

Jenny Church, on a White House special counsel rejecting a subpoena from the Senate Whitewater Committee: “President Clinton apparently believes in smoking-gun control.”

Katie Couric, on the four Republican senators who appeared Wednesday on the “Today” show to sing “Elvira”: “They should change their name from the Singing Senators to Hootie and the Blowhards.”

Paul Steinberg, on Republicans fighting among themselves about differences in the federal school lunch program: “For example, one group says catsup is a vegetable, while the other says it’s a fruit.”

Church, on the regular NBA referees returning to work Tuesday night: “To welcome them back, concession stands sold foot-long seeing-eye dogs.”

Johnny Robish, on the animal control officer forced to resign after admitting he drowned more than 100 stray cats: “Originally, he claimed the cats died as a result of botched baptisms.”

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Business Briefs: Charlie Reinke, on cosmetic giant L’Oreal buying Maybelline for $660 million: “This appears to be another hostile make-over.”

Cutler, on Ford and Chrysler agreeing to a standard charging system for electric cars: “Yeah, they’ll charge as much as they can.”

Alan Ray, on Sears splitting its tire and auto parts into two divisions: “Customers will notice an immediate change in service. Now it will be twice as hard to find a clerk.”

Leno, on the new chief financial officer of Kmart: “This guy is making pretty big dough . . . enough that his family never has to shop at Kmart again.”

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Santa Barbara reader Peter Harmer was telling son Alexander, 5, about an upcoming business trip to L.A.: “Daddy has to go away for a few days and stay at a hotel to work.” The young boy then asked:

“Are you going to be a maid?”