What the Yankees Really Need Now Is Good Grinch-Hitter

Downey’s California:

--Don’t feel too sorry for that New York Yankee employee who got fired three days before Christmas. Anybody stupid enough to work for George Steinbrenner should know what he or she is getting into, from Darryl Strawberry to Jerry Seinfeld’s friend George Costanza, and anybody who complains about being mistreated by Steinbrenner is like a mouse who complains about being mistreated by a cat.

--Next time Pat Riley visits New York, he’ll go for a boo-peat.

--Shawn Eckhart, the dumb ox hired by Tonya Harding and her husband to try to break Nancy Kerrigan’s leg, has sued a priest who ratted on him for something like $7 million. I’ve got a better idea. Let’s vote him Priest of the Year.

--The Cleveland Indians’ locker room is now occupied by Eddie Murray, Albert Belle, Jack McDowell and Julio Franco. None of my Cleveland media friends will be needing a new tape recorder this Christmas.

--With that mask on, Eddie Jones of the Lakers looks like Phantom of the Forum.

--I just read where Dennis Rodman dreams of playing the last pro basketball game of his career buck naked. This could lead to unusual new applications of the hand-check rule.

--Wait, this gives me a swell new idea on how the Clippers could boost attendance.

--A story out of Dallas says that owner Jerry Jones senses a huge rift developing between Coach Barry Switzer and quarterback Troy Aikman, and that one of them must go. Appreciating what kind of unique insight Jones has into the game of football, I know he’s really going to miss Aikman.

--Proving once again how little fans and reporters understand about football, Deion Sanders of the Cowboys says going for it on fourth down from your 29 is actually a good thing that shows guts, which is something we would understand if we ever played football. Our thanks to Deion for clearing this up. We stand corrected.

--Sports Illustrated’s vote for Stupid Sportsman of the Year should be a close one. Jerry or Deion . . . Deion or Jerry . . . oh, I know: “Both.”

--S.I. went with Cal Ripken because he always came to work. Time went with Newt Gingrich in spite of that.

--The acquisitions of Tim Wallach, Bryan Harvey, Jack Howell and Willie Fraser obviously make the Angels serious contenders for the World Series. Unfortunately, it would be the 1989 World Series.

--Jake O’Donnell was the most colorful referee left in basketball, although I am not altogether certain that basketball should have colorful referees.

--Now that the Winnipeg Jets will be picking up their pucks and moving to Phoenix, I would like to pay tribute to some of the great Winnipeg players who have given us so much enjoyment over the years, players like . . . like . . . uh, anyway, congratulations, Phoenix!

--Howard Schnellenberger quitting before his contract was up at Oklahoma brings new meaning to the word “Sooner.”

--Quick impression, Christmas at the Vancouver malls: “Get your Grizzly merchandise, right here! Drastic price reductions! Grizzly jerseys, originally $50, yours now for 50 cents! Grizzly autographed basketballs, originally $20, now we’ll pay you! Take ‘em off our hands! Grizzly keychains! No key would be caught dead on a chain like this! Get ‘em out of our sight! Tickets to Grizzly games, absolutely free! You watch ‘em so we won’t have to! Get your Grizzly merchandise, right here!”

--Considering the way Michael Jordan and Mario Lemieux are playing, that’s it, everybody take a year off, see you in ’97.

--I bet there are women who refuse to date Jacques Vaughn of the University of Kansas because they don’t date Jacqueses.

--Pepperdine has a basketball guard named Marques Johnson, UCLA has a football player named Karim Abdul-Jabbar and the Seattle SuperSonics have a center named Ervin Johnson. I’ve heard of great names of the past, but this is getting ridiculous.

--The Raiders should do better next season, with some fan support.

--Jeff Tarango’s apology to that Wimbledon tennis umpire should have gone like this: “Dear Sir: I am sorry that I called you the most corrupt official in the game and that my wife slapped your face. What we meant to say was, that ball certainly did look out. Yours truly, Jeff.”

--I’m sorry, what I meant to say was Los Angeles has the bestest fans in the whole wide world.