Delivering Gifts With Rhyme--and Some Corn

And so we begin this Christmas morn,

with yet some more column corn.

If you think there’s too much tweaking,

you should know a sage is speaking.

*

‘Tis a yearly thing, recall,

so read these words, read them all.

And if by reading, your spirits sail,

send a check in the U.S. mail.

Or buy a gift for Calendar’s Bard.

Short of cash? Use a credit card.

He’s not too proud to beg, you see,

nor to rhyme most miserably.

*

If you do rate me with the great Walt,

‘tis not my verse that is at fault.

These leaves of grass indeed wilt fast,

so scan them now while they still last.

Now hold your hats, get set to go,

the curtain’s rising on our show.

*

Let’s start unwrapping all these gifts,

to Dudley Moore, a pair of lifts.

Not that he’s on TV, you see,

but just ran out of names, poor me.

And while I’m still rhyming gifts,

to sweet Roseanne, no more rifts.

*

To Peter, Tom and dear Dan Rather,

we’d love you, babes, without the blather.

To “60 Minutes” and Don Hewitt,

sorry, guys, you know you blew it.

To ABC and Phillip Morris,

how did truth get so porous?

*

For all of prime time, different trends,

instead of ones that copy “Friends.”

As to ratings and “Single Guy,”

you know the truth, “Friends” is why.

As to ratings and “Caroline,”

you opened your gift, it was “Sein.”

*

To NBC and Thursday nights,

from other foes some better fights.

Jingle bells to “Murder, She Wrote,”

CBS won’t get her vote.

A better night for “Murder One,”

maybe Monday is more fun.

*

To Smithers, Marge, Homer and Bart,

get back to basics, scripts that smart.

To all you network programming groovies,

what do you say, some better movies?

The males and “Nanny,” she’ll always win ‘em,

those tight dresses, do they sew her in ‘em?

*

On “New York News” and presses going,

to MTM a better showing.

To Jay and Dave, their late-night warring,

What can you say? Borrrrrrring!

For all the shows named magazine,

all your substance in a bean.

*

To Sally J. and her big hankie,

I’d keep on watching, but no thankee.

To Jerry Springer and his wretches,

it’s no wonder, all the kvetches.

To all you talk shows having fun,

remember Jenny and the gun.

*

It wasn’t enough, all girlie, girlie,

so “Central Park West” ta-ta’d early.

Kathie Lee, what have you got,

that earned you fame and that gold pot?

To “Naked Truth,” so disappointing,

please give back my anointing.

*

To “Nightline,” Ted and topics smart,

age and all, still state of art.

More gab that glows on Charlie Rose,

what a shame nobody knows.

To UPN and WB,

already into atrophy.

*

For all the dirt at 8 o’clock,

a great big broom to sweep your schlock.

To Marcia, Chris and Johnnie C.,

love TV without you three.

On infomercials and O.J.,

beware, you dupes, of what he’ll say.

*

To local news, so full of strife,

cut the gore and get a life.

To local news, live shots that fool,

no more lies, no more gruel.

For judges, lawyers and your torts,

a few more cameras for your courts.

*

To “NYPD” without Davie,

salute Jimmy and pour blue gravy.

To “Homicide,” so underrated,

get those viewers educated.

On “X-Files,” a real good scare,

thank you, Fox, for being there.

*

To “Charlie Grace,” who couldn’t score,

sorry, Mark, here’s the door.

On PBS knowing who’s got the might,

it isn’t the left, so try leaning right. Are low ratings just for sods?

Like sure, whatever happened to Molly Dodd?