LAUGH LINES : PUNCHLINES

In the news: Bob Mills, on U.S. troops joining Italian and French NATO forces in Bosnia: “French soldiers have been combing the area with their super-sensitive escargot sweepers.”

* Adds Argus Hamilton: “Each country in the NATO force has its own rules of engagement. For the U.S. and Britain, it’s fire when fired upon. For the French, it’s white wine with fish, red wine with steak.”

Steve Tatham, on Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin continuing to borrow money for the federal government in defiance of the debt ceiling: “Who can pass up all these after-Christmas bargains?”

Mills, on President Clinton signing a bill for a Ronald Reagan Building: “The new building, second in size only to the Pentagon, will be made entirely of glass, stucco and Teflon.”

Paul Steinberg, on the president teaching daughter Chelsea to drive: “Is this such a good idea? He prides himself on steering down the middle of the road.”

Hamilton, on Time naming the Newt its Man of the Year: “There’s a pattern emerging here. The magazine picked Pope John Paul II last year. It’s a sucker for anyone with a holier- than-thou attitude.”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on the Ukraine agreeing to shut down the Chernobyl nuclear reactor by the year 2000: “All local residents in favor, raise your right hands. Both of them.”

Jay Leno, on Southern California’s chilly holiday weather: “It’s different out here. Not only does Jack Frost nip at your nose, he also does tummy tucks and breast augmentations.”

Leno, on the San Diego candidate for Congress, who runs a dominatrix phone-sex line: “This certainly gives new meaning to the term, ‘tied up in committee.’ Do you think she’ll be majority whip?”

Jenny Church, on Alamo Rent-A-Car losing $36 million during the past 12 months: “Evidently, the firm’s president rented a car from its own fleet and brought it back with an empty gas tank.”

Alan Ray, on Occidental Chemical finally agreeing to pay $129 million to end lawsuits over the Love Canal contamination: “Plaintiffs rejected Occidental’s earlier settlement offer. Handi-Wipes.”

Church, on a disagreement whether advertisements can be printed on school lunch menus: “One side favors ads for Pepto-Bismol, while the other wants ads for Alka-Seltzer.”

*

Bob Dole, Newt Gingrich and Bob Packwood wound up in the Land of Oz, and the Wizard asked each what he wanted. Dole said, “I’d like a heart.” Gingrich said, “I’ll take a brain.”

Replied Packwood: “Where’s Dorothy?”

-- Burton Bach

*

Reader Sylvia Bursztyn’s sister Harriet and nephew Michael, 8, were making potato latkes for Hanukkah. While his mother grated the spuds, Michael read the recipe and gathered the other ingredients and necessary utensils. Rummaging through a drawer, the boy looked up and said:

“Mom, I can’t find the pinch spoon.”