LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Juror Tracy Hampton from the O.J. Simpson trial has agreed to do a photo spread in Playboy, but the magazine’s editors are hesitating, says Douglas Mortenson: “They want to see if the verdict left any stretch marks.”

* Adds Premiere Morning Sickness: “Oddly enough, the only thing she’ll be wearing is a glove.”

British scientists have discovered an appetite suppressant that causes rats to eat less. R. Alex Kaseberg says it’s called “the proposal to limit attorneys’ fees.”

* Adds Johnny Robish: “A substance that dulls the appetite more than anything else known? Yeah, they call it British food.”

Northwestern football Coach Gary Barnett turned down that offer from UCLA. Says Argus Hamilton, “That’s probably because USC has such a recruiting advantage over UCLA. For one thing, it’s easier to spell.”

Despite the federal government shutdown, Mt. Rushmore remains lit. “Why not?” asks the Cutler Daily Scoop. “Works for Boris Yeltsin.”

Princess Diana told friends she’ll agree to divorce on the condition that she continues to be treated like a princess. No problem, says Hamilton. “Queen Elizabeth has arranged for her to be adopted by Aaron Spelling.”

About that British report that regular sex can make you look years younger:

* “That can’t be true! Otherwise Wilt Chamberlain would look 8 1/2.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “It’s easy--do it with a member of the royal family, write a book, then use the profits for plastic surgery.” (Paul Ryan)

* “But it says the sex must be in conjunction with a sharing, caring and giving relationship. So most people prefer collagen.” (Hamilton)

Jimmy Carter persuaded North Korea to attend the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. Hamilton says it won’t do too well in running, jumping or swimming. “Its best runners, jumpers and swimmers will all be competing for South Korea.”

GM has unveiled its battery-powered car. Kaseberg says, “The only problem is, when you drive it you have to wear a pink bunny suit and bang a big drum.”

A dog in North Port, Fla., gave his owner a big surprise when he dragged home a human skull he found in the woods. Says Premiere, “His owner was overheard complaining, ‘God forbid he should bring me the paper!’ ”

A new study shows that New York men have higher sperm counts than men in L.A.:

* “That’s because Hollywood accounting always reports net instead of gross.” (Russ Myers)

* “The L.A. sperm have better tans.” (Cutler)

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Reader Tom Dempsey of Playa del Rey says his grandson went shopping with Daddy during the holidays. Along the way:

“Daddy said he was having stress, so we stopped and Daddy got me a Coke and he got a glass of water with an olive in it.”