Punchlines

In the news: When President Clinton flew into Bosnia aboard Air Force One, the local battalion gave him a 21-gun salute, says Argus Hamilton. “But they’ve promised next time to wait until the airplane lands.”

Mayor Willie Brown has started a hat-wearing trend in San Francisco. Jerry Perisho says that’s a big change from his days in the State Assembly: “There, all he ever did with his hat was talk through it.”

A recent survey shows that most children believe television encourages them to have sex, to lie and to indulge in aggressive behavior. Says Doug Babbit, “And that was just from watching C-SPAN.”

Alex Kaseberg says “O.J.: The Interview” can be found at your local video lie-brary.

According to a CNN survey, 47% of the public believe Hillary Clinton did something illegal in Whitewater or the travel office shake-up, and 31% don’t. Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “22% shrug and go, ‘Eh, she’s a lawyer.’ ”

And now the New Yorker says Elizabeth Dole raised $50,000 of campaign cash illegally and made a bundle on an insider stock trade. Says Hamilton, “Can you believe that? Some women just can’t wait to be first lady.”

Adidas is catching some flak from anti-drug types over its new shoe called Hemp, which is partly made from fibers of a cousin of the marijuana plant:

* “Athletes say the shoes may not help you jump any better but they definitely help you get high.” (Perisho)

* “The company says OK, it’ll change the name of the shoes--to Mary Janes.” (Brad Halpern)

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Out go the lights: Researchers have found a “sleep switch” that turns off the brain when it’s time to sleep:

* “Actually we already have that--it’s called prime time on CBS.” (Charlie Reinke)

* “Women have known about this switch for years. They operate it with, ‘Can’t we just cuddle?’ ” (Bill Williams)

* “They’re now working on how to hook it up to the Clapper.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

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Rhymes with “oh no!”: A skiing accident at Big Bear sent Rep. Sonny Bono in for 11 stitches on his chin. Gary Easley says the conversation went this way:

Bono: “Doc, after the stitches are out, will I be able to sing?”

Doc: “Of course.”

Bono: “That’s funny. I never could before.”

* Adds Cutler, “Bono’s the only GOP freshman no longer eager for deep cuts.”

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Reader Gary Gallert of Murrieta says his granddaughter Rachel, age 7, was allowed to stay up late to watch New Year’s Eve celebrations on TV. After the ball dropped in Times Square she was told it was time for bed.

“No,” she protested, “first we have to eat some toast.”