Faces Should Be Red Over Blue Language

Downey’s California:

--The XXX-rated language of linebacker Greg Lloyd of the Pittsburgh Steelers and wide receiver Michael Irvin of the Dallas Cowboys leads us proudly into Super Bowl XXX.

After the AFC and NFC championship games, Lloyd and Irvin treated live national television audiences to some of the smuttiest talk I have ever heard on network TV, except on the program “Cybill.”

Lloyd, who could give Conrad Dobler lessons in how to play dirty, has a mouth to match, as he proved in Pittsburgh’s championship celebration. Somebody should drop a steel curtain over this guy’s head.

A banner at Three Rivers last week read: AVOID LLOYD.

Now I know why.

Give Greg a gag order.

Irvin, meanwhile, in single-handedly wrecking his own “Be Like Mike” campaign, offended thousands of people, among them his mother, with, as it is popularly known in American culture, the ol’ obscenity-laced tirade. (Most tirades, I have noticed, seem to be obscenity-laced.)

Pearl Irvin’s sensible reaction was to reach for a bar of Ivory soap, to give her son’s mouth a good washing-out. She didn’t raise Mikey to talk that mess. Mamas, don’t raise your babies to cuss like Cowboys.

Irvin catches passes for a living.

Now I know why.

He’s an end, all right.

Needless to say, NBC, ABC and Fox executives are not eager for Lloyd and Irvin to retire and join their broadcast booths, until first they understand the significance of that little red light flashing above the lens. You know, sometimes, bleeping somebody is bleeping impossible.

Dick Enberg doesn’t need to turn to his new partner and say, “Oh, my!” and hear Lloyd or Irvin reply, “Oh, #!%*!&!”

Football is a rough game, played by rough men with rough edges. We expect to overhear the occasional profanity on some sideline mike. When Joe Theismann got his leg snapped like a twig, I doubt he said: “Oh, my!” He probably said: “Oh, my [word here] [two words here] [word here] leg!”

What the comedy team of Lloyd and Irvin said, however, was preventable.

No more trophy presentations for these two. Whichever one is on the winning Super Bowl side, he better not say boo to Paul Tagliabue. Otherwise, the commissioner might fine him $5,000 for illegal use of the gums.

--Diana Ross will do the halftime show at Super Bowl XXX, with songs including “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,” the unofficial fight song of the AFC.

--I make Dallas a 12-point favorite. Thirteen if Switzer doesn’t show.

--Key to the game: How well Pittsburgh safety Carnell Lake can contain that bleeping Michael Irvin.

--Instant replay? We don’t need no stinking instant replay? How about if that official standing behind Aaron Bailey of the Indianapolis Colts had ruled that he did catch that pass? The lovely community of Pittsburgh, Pa., would have burned to the ground.

--For the Super Bowl, one Phoenix cinema is billing Whitney Houston’s new movie as “Waiting to XXX-hale.”

--The NFL is still waiting to approve her bid to become Whitney Nashville.

--Pittsburgh has an excellent running back in Byron “Bam” Morris, who reminds me a lot of Sam “Bam” Cunningham, except that one of them is named Morris and the other is named Cunningham.

--Dermontti Dawson of the Steelers has made his fourth consecutive Pro Bowl. For 20 bonus points: Name Dermontti’s position!

--Phoenix is praying for a good football game, now that it is no longer a basketball town.

--Charles Barkley should demand a trade to the Clippers, so he can have a better shot at the playoffs.

--Let’s hope Marcus Camby of the University of Massachusetts is feeling better, and that he appreciates his doctor so much that after college he becomes Marcus Camby, M.D.

--Disney is so pleased with baseball’s vote of approval, it is thinking about opening a EuroAngels.

--Lisa Marie Presley Jackson Rodman. I figure anything’s possible with her.

--Happy 100th birthday, George Burns. I saw him perform April 13, 1985, at the Riviera in Las Vegas, at a benefit for boxing’s Hall of Fame. Here’s a joke George told: “I saw the first boxing match, Cain versus Abel. Cain got penalized by the referee for hitting below the leaf.”