LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Uncooperative networks scuttled the GOP plan to wait until today to rebut President Clinton’s State of the Union address. Says Kenny Noble, “The Republicans had hoped to call their response ‘Another Day Older and Deeper in Debt.’ ”

Hillary Rodham Clinton will testify Friday before a grand jury looking into Whitewater. Says Argus Hamilton, “The first lady needs to get her stories straight. She’s admitted that mistakes were made, but swears she didn’t inhale.”

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “See Hillary in ‘The In-X-plicable Files.’ ”

Tequila maker Jose Cuervo is buying a Caribbean island and plans to start its own country. Charlie Reinke says Ted Kennedy has already applied to be ambassador.

Astronomers have found a large planet orbiting outside the solar system that could possibly support life. Says Johnny Robish, “The Republicans countered that we should be encouraging life to support itself, not look for handouts from big planets.”

An Oregon man protested his state’s lack of dental insurance by pulling his own broken tooth in public. Says Alex Kaseberg, “Good thing his hemorrhoid operation was covered.”

Wal-Mart is developing a line of children’s clothes in league with McDonald’s. Says Buddy Baron, “Instead of a big heavy coat they stick your kid under a heat lamp.”

The man who performed the wedding of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley says he’s not surprised by their split, saying the two didn’t seem to have the matrimonial vocation. Which makes Cutler wonder, “How can you train for a matrimonial vocation? Did Michael apprentice with Liz Taylor?”

Kato Kaelin has quit his talk-radio gig to pursue movie deals. Says Gary Easley, “In order to prepare as an actor, he is reading Shakespeare. He is doing very well too--he’s already up to the K.”

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Cirque du O.J., Act II: O.J. Simpson began his deposition this week in the civil suit against him. Alan Ray says Simpson broke into tears at one point--when he realized he wasn’t being paid for this interview.

* Bob Mills says O.J.’s lawyers had to advise him numerous times that “Buy the video” is not a legally acceptable way to answer a question.

* Early in the deposition he was asked about the contrite letter he left before fleeing. Tony Peyser says he responded: “Good question. It is for sale and the bidding starts at $250,000.”

* The New York Post says Simpson’s lawyers plan to blame the murders on alleged serial killer Glen Rogers. Says Cutler, “Woulda blamed Kenny Rogers, but he hasn’t even ‘cut’ a good record in years. Woulda blamed Roy Rogers, he was a Trigger man once. Woulda blamed Mr. Rogers, he was in the neighborhood. . . .”

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Opha Snapp of Gardena, a Times reader since 1936, took her grandson Kory, 3, to see his first parade. He loved it. After it was all over and she reached for his hand to leave, he said:

“No, Granny, I want to see it again.”