When Your Teen Turns Violent

He looks down at the sidewalk, his hands shoved into the pockets of his faded corduroy pants. It’s been almost a year since the last violent fight he had with his mother, but the incident still haunts the Pacifica High School sophomore.

“When I get mad, things are just a blur,” he says. “I guess I pushed her into the wall or something. She was just bugging me, about my friends and stuff. . . . I just kinda went off.”

Most teenage anger does not erupt into violence. But the recent arrest of a 14-year-old Yorba Linda youth in the shooting death of his mother--reportedly following a heated argument--has brought forward an awareness of how smoldering adolescent rage can ignite dangerous or even deadly conflicts. A decision is expected this week on whether the teen will face trial as an adult.

Whether it’s a sense of injustice, complications from drug or alcohol use, depression or the early stages of mental illness, experts in Orange County and throughout the United States agree that a host of possible causes come into play when a child attacks a parent.

“A child killing their parent is very rare,” says Toni Aquino, a clinical social worker who practices in Brea.

“You have to look at some key factors when something like this happens,” she says. “It’s not what parents say to the child that makes them react, it’s how the child interprets what they say. That can be affected by all sorts of things.”

According to national statistics, more than half of the juveniles who commit murder in family-related incidents are motivated by an argument or brawl, and 64% of them use a firearm. Oppositional teens--the term psychologists use to describe youths in high rebellion--feel unappreciated and misunderstood, are jealous and easily piqued by minor slights, and wear their emotions on their sleeves.

“Around them we feel edgy, as though we are walking on eggshells, waiting for them to blow up,” says Douglas H. Powell, psychologist and lecturer at Harvard University.

For most youngsters, episodes of rage are relatively mild and brief. For a smaller group, however, extreme reactions to rules or the expectations of parents suddenly become the norm.

“Typically, these teens don’t regard themselves as ‘oppositional’ but see the problems arising from the unreasonable demands of their mothers and fathers,” Powell says.

While it is not considered abnormal for a small child to blurt out a death threat against a parent, it is for a teenager to do so. Such threats--whether made directly to the person or announced to a third party--should be taken seriously and addressed. If you are frightened of your kid, get help, experts say.

Psychologists warn, however, that loosening the rein on headstrong teens is not the answer.

“The biggest mistake parents can make . . . is to think that they shouldn’t set limits or boundaries because their kids might kill them or something,” says psychologist Charles O’Malley, who counsels adolescents and their families in Orange and Los Angeles counties. “Anger is something you have to deal with every day.”

It’s important for parents to show their children respect and listen to what they are saying--and not lose sight of that in the heat of the moment, counselors say. If anger is escalating, taking time out until everyone calms down is a good tactic.

Sharry Graham, a parent trainer for a behavior-modification program called Back in Control, says the frightened parent is someone she has become very familiar with. Training sessions for parents who need help restructuring their relationships with their children are held at locations in Orange and Mission Viejo.

“The vast majority of parents who come to us are at the stage where they’re just saying, ‘Help, help, help,’ ” she says. “In probably every session, we get parents who say their kids are hitting them and throwing things. We deal with very strong-willed kids.”

Among the things parents are taught is how to lay down rules in a calm yet assertive manner. Parents are taught to use words such as “regardless.” For instance, “Regardless of whether you think it’s fair, you must be home by 11 p.m.”

Maintaining consistency is really the key to a stable relationship, she said. Which doesn’t mean that you don’t listen to your child’s protests while maintaining your position. Each teen is an individual, and when boundaries are set, that should be taken into account.

Catherine Clark, 42, a single mother from Irvine says the tools she learned from Back in Control probably saved her life. Her son Bryan’s drug use and explosive behavior forced her family into a state of terror a year ago.

In what seemed like a very short time, Clark says, her well-adjusted 17-year-old went from Irvine High School water polo star to a brooding and angry delinquent.

“I was so scared half the time,” she recalled. “You have to realize, he’s 6-4 and I’m 5-5.” He would be yelling at me, and he would get so angry standing there, visibly shaking and his fists balled. If I had a gun in the house, I have no doubt I wouldn’t be here.”

Clark soon discovered that her son was drinking, smoking marijuana and dropping acid with a group of friends. In retrospect, she admits, there were probably many red flags.

“I came home for lunch once and there were kids all over the house using drugs,” she said. “I guess I was ignoring a lot of it--as we all do. We want to trust our kids. It was easier to believe that he was the same child.”

After working with counselors at Back in Control, Clark says, she began to deal with her son differently. She took his bedroom door off the hinges to keep his room from becoming a hidden place and presented the house rules matter-of-factly and without argument.

“On prom night, he wanted to go out after the prom, and I wouldn’t let him. I stood by the limo in front of his friends and said, ‘I found a beer in your car, and if you don’t want to come home, I’ll follow you. All I have is time and gas,’ ” she said. “I’m now known as ‘the mom from hell,’ but I’m glad.”

Bryan Clark, who recently finished his first year of college and plans to enter the Marines, says he doesn’t really know what made him behave the way he did, nor what made him turn around.

“Now I’ve gotten to the point where I know what’s upsetting me,” he says. “I guess I learned the consequences of my actions and learned that I can only control myself, not my mom or anyone else around me.”

Like other teens who have lashed out at their parents, Bryan says the violent arguments of his past still frighten him a year later.

“You get this feeling of pure rage coming somewhere from inside of you,” he said. “It’s like being drunk . . . drunk with rage. Things can happen before anyone can stop it. And the idea of my mom being afraid of me is not appealing to me. It’s scary.”

Girls as well as boys grapple with painful teenage anger, say three Orange County girls--ages 17, 16 and 13--who attend the adolescent recovery program at the Hope Institute in Costa Mesa.

“It’s so scary. It’s horrible,” says the 17-year-old from Los Alamitos, who once shoved her mother into the kitchen sink because she wouldn’t let her go to a late movie. “My parents never hit me. I had a nice home. I can’t believe how I was back then. I was always out looking for fights. And if I didn’t change, I could definitely see me seriously injuring myself or my parents.”

Some teens are the victims of pent-up anger stemming from abuse they have suffered. That anger may lead them to drug use, violence against others and sometimes, suicide.

“I stuff everything,” the 13-year-old from Huntington Beach said following a group counseling session. She says she tends to keep things inside--unlike her sister, who explodes when enraged.

“My sister gets really mad at my mom. One day she threw a brick through the door. Because of a lot of things I’ve gone through, I stuff everything down inside. It’s one of the things I’m working on.”

Her rage showed itself in a reign of terror her mother says began at age 12 and lasted for one very long year.

It became clear the problem was severe, her mother says.

“I kept getting calls from school. One day, I came home from work, and there were knives stuck in the doors of the kitchen cupboards, and knives in the hallway,” recalled the mother. “I was scared to death.”

After her daughter was admitted into a treatment program, she discovered that she had been molested by a family member and had turned to drugs and alcohol.

“Back then, it would take nothing for her to fly off the handle,” she said, adding that her daughter attends all-day classes and counseling at the Hope Institute. “Now, everything is out. We can discuss her problems. It’s a relief.”

Because anger will always be a part of early childhood, adolescence, and adult life, experts say, it’s something that must be dealt with properly.

But what exactly is so-called normal teenage anger?

Yelling, pouting, moodiness, persistent complaining, slamming doors and ripping up things in their rooms, while not desirable, are behaviors usually within normal limits of teenage anger, say the experts.

However, substantial destruction of property or leaving the home for hours is not OK, and any threat of bodily harm to themselves or others should be taken very seriously.

“Usually, there’s a lot of mouth, grouchiness and door slamming,” says O’Malley, of Optimum Care Behavioral Medical Group in Lakewood. “But in normal angry situations, the kid will not leave the house and will be able to calm themselves down.”

At the very least, it can be a time of frustration and confusion for both the parents and the adolescents, who find themselves dealing with the rapid physical growth, psychological development and social changes that accompany this life stage.

But in most cases, this too shall pass.

“For a while there, it was like this long, bad dream,” said one weary parent, sighing. “I feel like a war hero.”

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Some Early Warning Signs

What are the warning signs of an adolescent losing control? There are a number of behaviors that experts--and teenagers themselves--say point to a problem. No single red flag usually signals a situation that requires professional help, but a combination may. Here are some of the things parents should pay attention to:

* Switching friends. Are you seeing your son or daughter hanging out with a different group of friends that you aren’t comfortable with? Are you not having the opportunity to meet their friends?

* A drop in grades. Either a slow decline in the past year or a sudden decrease.

* Emotional highs and lows. Easily upset, rapid change in moods, doesn’t seem as happy as he/she used to be.

* Defiance of rules and regulations. Opposition at home and/or school. Pushing limits, not doing chores. Constant arguing with authority figures.

* Becoming more secretive. Not answering questions, keeping all personal problems to themselves.

* Loss of initiative, profound laziness. Sleeping significantly more than usual, showing less energy, not willing to exercise. Up late at night and sleeping half the day.

* Withdrawing from family functions. Skipping family meals, outings, church, special occasions.

* Change in appearance, physical hygiene. Wearing the same clothes for extended periods. Becoming more sloppy. Not bathing. Excessive weight loss or gain.

* Not informing you of school functions and activities. Hiding report cards, progress reports, suspensions and warnings. Not informing of open houses, teacher meetings.

* Many excuses for staying out late. Not coming home on time, not coming home at all, constant excuses and explanations.

* Isolating. Spending a lot of time in his/her room. Brooding alone.

* Money, alcohol, prescription drugs missing. Could signal that these items are being taken to support an addiction.

SOURCES: Hope Institute, psychologists, teenagers