Punch Lines

Leader of the pack: Bob Dole’s sweep of the “Junior Tuesday” primaries inspired the folks at Cutler Daily Scoop to come up with new words for the campfire favorite “This Old Man”:

“This Old Man, won real grand,

has the GOP in hand

Beating Steve, Pat, Lugar flat,

Lamar from Tennessee

This Old Man’s the nominee.”

Adds Alex Pearlstein, “Dole got such a clean sweep he has to pay the nanny tax.”

“Dole might be on a roll,” says Jenny Church, “but Steve Forbes is sitting on more bread.”

However the primaries go, Pat Buchanan announced he has a duty to go all the way to the convention in San Diego. Says Argus Hamilton, “On opening day, he’s going to throw out the first immigrant.”

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In other news: A Florida court cleared the way for F. Lee Bailey to go to jail for not turning over a drug-dealer client’s millions. Says Tony Peyser, “Marcia Clark, Robert Shapiro and Judge Lance Ito are squabbling over who gets to drive him to the slammer.”

The IRS spent an extra $150,000 to print multicolor covers for this year’s tax booklets. Says Church, “The ocean is in blue ink, the meadow is in green ink and now the government is a little deeper in red ink.”

The U.S. Supreme Court upheld seizure of a Michigan couple’s car after the husband was arrested for having sex with a prostitute in it:

* “You know what Hugh Grant is thinking . . . ‘Thank God my Beemer was a rental!’ ” (Cutler)

* “I wonder what the insurance company had to say when they filed that claim?” (Johnny Robish)

Amtrak had planned to end service to Phoenix on April 1 but decided to keep trains rolling through the summer. Says Jerry Perisho, “Isn’t that just like Amtrak? They can’t even go out of business on schedule.”

IBM says it expects to hire 10,000 additional people this year. Says Robish, “Those positions are expected to be quickly filled by members of Natalie Merchant’s old band.”

In Iowa, 61 of 150 state legislators have been convicted of speeding in the past five years. Says Perisho, “Hey, they live in Iowa. They’re hurrying to the glitz, the glamour and the good times in nearby Nebraska.”

Disney’s “Cinderella” turns 46 years old this week. Says Jay Leno, “To celebrate, they are doing a ‘90s version of the classic. In this one, Cinderella lives in L.A., shoots her wicked stepmother, gets acquitted because she claims she was abused. She then cuts her foot on the glass slipper, sues the prince, gets $3 million and lives happily ever after.”

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Jan Amsterdam of Encino says grandson Jacob, 5, was listening to his mother explain her work as a therapist. Therapists help people change their behavior, she said, but no one can make anyone change unless the person wants to. Jacob added:

“Except their mommy.”