Punch Lines

In the news: During his recent trip to Louisiana, President Clinton’s limousine had to pull over when a piece of chrome fell off. There was a loud clacking noise and fluid leaked from beneath the car. Says Jerry Perisho, “Well, you can say one thing for Clinton--he buys American.”

Ross Perot says he’ll be the Reform Party’s candidate, if they’ll have him:

* “Let’s see, he founded the party and financed it. . . . I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he’ll be the front runner.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “He says he wants to be a ‘factor,’ but in the presidential race he’d be a fraction among big numbers.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Comedy writers all over the country have been joining the party in record numbers.” (Bill Edwards)

Colin Powell is a popular choice for vice president. Says Bob Mills, “Bob Dole has him on his short list and Perot has him on his tall list.”

An Army task force found that 4% of soldiers belong to hate groups. Sounds low, says Perisho. “When I was in the Army it was 100%. We all hated the food, hated the beds, hated the 5 a.m. reveille. . . .”

A report says cellular phone users are much more likely to have automobile accidents. Says Alan Ray, “People who talk on car phones usually have a perception problem: They overestimate their own importance.”

In Australia, veterinarians had to remove an ingrown toenail from Bong Su, a jumbo elephant. Premiere Morning Sickness says one doctor remarked, “This is what happens every time she tries to squeeze into heels two sizes too small.”

NASA is sending the space shuttle Atlantis into orbit this week on a very delicate mission, says Jay Leno. “They are going up there to retrieve Frank Bruno’s teeth.”

The Florida State University football team has been put on probation for allowing sports agents on campus. Says Argus Hamilton, “The coach is relieved. He no longer has to tell his players to get out there on the field and give their entire 90%.”

* Adds Ray, “Some of the transgressions occurred four years ago--when the current seniors were juniors.”

It’s easy to understand why Jesse Jackson is upset at the movie industry, says Russ Myers. “After all, he hasn’t had a meaningful role in years.”

Hasbro is marketing dolls in the likeness of supermodels Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Campbell and Karen Muldur. Says Gary Easley, “Each comes with its own producer and director, blaming each other for putting her in the movie.”

*

Reader Martin Garber was driving on Sepulveda Boulevard when he discovered that a fire had started in one of his car doors. Being near a fire station, he quickly drove there for help. After the firefighters put out the blaze and made sure it wouldn’t start again, Garber says:

“They very politely assured me that they do make house calls.”