Welcome to L.A. -- and Take Notes

You’ve just moved to Los Angeles and you’re tooling down the freeway, doing 65 in the fast lane. Some guy in a BMW is on your tail, headlights flashing, arms flailing. You signal to move to the right, but other drivers aren’t heeding and in fact, they seem to be speeding up. You just figure that your signal isn’t working--otherwise they’d let you in, right?

You poor fool. Welcome to Los Angeles.

With newcomers in mind, we asked our readers to send in essential advice--things to do, places to go--that folks new to the area need. Instead of a day at Disneyland or a night at Universal, most of the 400-plus responses we received had to do with survival: how to change lanes, how not to insult people from the Valley, the proper usage of adjectives.

So listen up new arrivals, what follows are suggestions from your new neighbors. And remember, when someone says, “We must get together” it’s merely a warm greeting and does not mean that someone actually wants to see you again.

Manners? We Got Stinkin’ Manners: OK, sometimes we can be a touch rude, especially when we’re in our cars. Our only defense: If Mother Teresa lived here, she’d have ‘tude too. Some of our uglier moments that you ought to know about:

* When planning a lane change, be aware that turn signals are a strategic error, alerting fellow drivers of your intentions and causing them to close any gaps you may have had your eye on. It’s important to make your move stealthily; no obvious glances in the rearview mirror or over your shoulder, either.

* When you’re driving north on the 405 through the Sepulveda Pass and you need to get on the 101, don’t move to the right lanes as the signs recommend until the very last minute. Then zoom into the 101 lanes, cutting off the people who compliantly moved into the exit lanes at the top of the hill. You will annoy your fellow commuters.

* When someone cuts you off, speeds ahead, honks or tailgates, take a deep breath and let it slide. And remember above all else, keep that finger on your wheel and not in the air.

* Beware of drivers in parking structures who hold up traffic to wait for a space.

Places to Hang Out: Readers passed on the usual suspects and strongly suggested the public library system, especially the Central Library (downtown), downtown Torrance, DASH buses, Santa Monica Mountains National Recreation Area, Trader Joe’s, B&B; Hardware in Culver City, and Archaic Idiot and Mondo Video A Go Go on North Vermont Avenue. (A thick promotional packet from the West Hollywood Convention & Visitors’ Bureau seemed to favor West Hollywood.)

What? No Range-Fed Tofu? Readers’ fave places for eats: Rosti Take Home Tuscan Cooking, Versailles, Noah’s Bagels, Wolfgang Puck Cafe, Trader Joe’s.

Reader Nina Murphy’s best eating-out advice: “Never salt your food in public. You will be regarded with the horror given someone lighting up a cigarette.”

The Local Lingo: Remember “You Say Potato, I say Po-TAH-to”? Here, we have our own brand of vocabulary that can best be described as “Los Angelish.” Learn these particular pronunciations and definitions and you’ll sound like a local in no time.

* It’s: La Can-YAH-da (as in La Canada-Flintridge), La See-EN-i-gah (La Cienega), Se-PULL-vid-a (Sepulveda), Tuh-HUN-ga (Tujunga), La Ti-HERA (La Tijera).

* Please don’t make plans to do lunch on PARA-mount unless you mean the studio lot; the boulevard is “Para-MOUNT.”

* In spite of what Webster’s says about a storm being “any heavy fall of rain or snow,” here one-tenth of an inch of rain is a storm.

* Angelenos have this thing for the limiting adjective “the.” The freeway. The 405. The Earthquake. The Strip. “When in doubt,” wrote Nancy Joslin of The Valley, “remove any pertinent adjectives or adverbs and insert ‘the.’ You’ll sound like you’ve lived here forever.”

Countered Sandy Goldhammer Tepper, “I am an L.A. native and nothing bothers me more than when my husband calls PCH the PCH. Even more offensive is ‘The Pacific Coast Highway.’ Of course, he’s from New York where they have The Bronx, so maybe it’s not entirely his fault.”

* It’s “Los Angeles,” not L.A.

Getting Around . . . And ‘Round and ‘Round: Or you can just call us the Land of Illusion and Confusion.

* Freeway signs list distances in miles and sometimes kilometers. But don’t be fooled. Distance in L.A. is measured in minutes, as in “It’s 20 minutes to Diamond Bar.”

* Don’t despair if told to take the I-5, which is the Golden State Freeway, except through Orange County, where it’s the Santa Ana Freeway. Or the 405, which is the San Diego Freeway, which merges back into I-5 long before it reaches San Diego.

* “I have 40,000 miles on my car’s odometer,” wrote Warren Somers, “perhaps 15,000 of which were accumulated when, as a naive Southland greenhorn, I relentlessly trolled quaint Little Santa Monica Boulevard in West L.A. searching in vain for an address located (unbeknownst to me) on formidable big Santa Monica Boulevard.”

* North Hollywood is not the northern part of Hollywood.

Getting Around . . . Slowly: Don’t be discouraged by heavy traffic, an event that happens so rarely in Los Angeles that it’s not worth mentioning. Still, on the off-chance that you find yourself going 15 mph, here are some traveling tips to ponder:

* “SigAlert” is the traffic equivalent of “wind chill factor.” You don’t have to understand how it’s calculated, you just need to know you don’t want to be out in it.

* Listen to radio traffic bulletins before you get into the car. Then once underway, continue to monitor the radio for traffic reports. An airplane pilot wouldn’t shut off his radio and neither should you,” wrote Dr. Roadmap, a.k.a. David Rizzo.

* Whatever time you are told it takes to get to a place, double it unless you are driving at 2 a.m. at the speed of light.

* If you should see a driver wearing a hat, smoking a cigar, driving a Cadillac with an out-of-state license and a crumpled fender, be afraid. Be very afraid.

* Never drive behind a Volvo or in front of a BMW.

* Always make an appointment at the DMV.

And the winner of the Most Mentions in a Single Contest Award is . . . the Thomas Bros. Guide. A sampling:

* “Get a check-cashing card from Vons, Ralphs and Hughes markets and a Thomas Guide.”

* “Get a Thomas Bros. Guide and keep it in the car.”

* “Without a doubt--a Thomas Bros. Guide and Yellow Pages.”

* “Get a Thomas Bros. map and learn to read it.”

* “Get a Thomas Bros. Guide. A big one. Los Angeles and Orange County. Keep it in your car because you don’t need it in your house.”

Our thanks to readers Fawne Harriman, Carlo Panno, Paula Raissner, T.C. Cirillo, Debra L. Wiley, Mark Lewis, Lupe Lopez, Larry Merken, Haley Powers, Marilyn Bean, Ellen R. Margulies, Kyrian Corona, Mary Garrity, Alice Brill, Sandy Schuckett, Kim Goe, Noah Stone, Jennifer Bergh, Kathy LaForce, Toni Staszek Mattis, Danielle Sanford Fairlee, Nancy Joslin, Kelly Hayes-Raitt, Sandy Goldhammer Tepper, Mary Anne Bollen, Dee Treacy, Paul Lagliore, Vanessa Graham, Judith Burns, Melinda Bessett, Marty Brastow, Vince Maynard, Robin L. Winston, Lucretia M. Parker, Vicki Meredith, Barbara Joan Grubman and Maria Brucciani.

--Compiled by MICHELLE WILLIAMS