Finally, a Book That’s Gross Enough to Be Educational

There is almost nothing as funny to a 5-year-old as the jokes about--or mere mention of--bodily functions; this despite the fact that there is almost nothing as unfunny to his or her parents.

But if you thought nothing would come of the fascination with human odors, sounds and fluids, Mendocino County science teacher Sylvia Branzei is here to announce that you were wrong, in her book, “Grossology: The Science of Really Gross Things!” (Planet Dexter, 1995. $14.95).

A book aimed at the bathroom-obsessed age group of 9 to 11, “Grossology” offers the scientific answers for why feet smell, the contents of vomit, the raison d’etre of diarrhea and plenty of other stomach-churning bits of information bound to delight children and repulse parents.

“I was cutting my toenails and I thought that the stuff underneath your toenails is really gross,” Branzei said. “I started thinking about all the other gross things that people don’t know about, and I thought: grossology--a whole new science.”

Just to highlight the fun to come, the book’s cover is an illustration of a baby spitting up--complete with glued-on fake throw-up. The back cover contains a real magnifying glass--to make it easier to examine the bodily fluids described.

Although younger children might enjoy it, their parents almost certainly would not enjoy reading it to them. This book is not for the meek.

It is divided into three sections: “Slimy, Mushy, Oozy Gross Things,” “Crusty, Scaly Gross Things” and “Stinky, Smelly Gross Things.”

But in between the childish language, more-than-frank illustrations and giant headings for such topics as “Poop,” “Dandruff” and “B.O. and Sweat,” is a jampacked biology lesson. Lured by the book’s grossness, young readers will be (it is hoped) instructed by its facts:

* Earwax, or cerumen, is made by roughly 2,000 ear “sweat glands” to coat the inside of the ear canal so that dirt and dust cannot get inside. People who live in areas with dirtier air generate more earwax.

* Every three days, a human head creates a whole new set of skin cells that flake off. But when the cells trapped in hair combine with oils, dust and soot, they form the dry scales we call dandruff.

* Eye crust is created during sleep, when closed eyelids form a waterproof seal. Eye-bathing tears pool in eye corners and the liquid evaporates, leaving the crusty leftovers to combine with sweat and oil from the eye corner and create “sleepies.”

Many chapters contain lessons on simple anatomy; technical names of body parts and substances are spelled phonetically.

And just so you don’t have to wonder, there are suggestions for how to use the magnifying glass with each lesson. (There’s also a bit of a cultural section, offering in 11 languages the way to describe--uh, er, um--the act of expelling gas.)

Then there are the experiments: how to make fake wounds, check tooth plaque, calculate how many breaths you take in a year, and others.

“I’m not teaching any children these words--they already know them,” Branzei said.

“It’s a good hook. The children are actually learning anatomy, physiology and health science.”