Punch Lines
Everybody spring forward? Watch out, says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “The IRS has started taxing the interest on your daylight savings.”
* Adds Alex Pearlstein, “Those cigarette companies are shameless. Their new slogan is, ‘Hey, you just lost an hour off your life, anyway.’ ”
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In the news: The president is going to be interviewed by Barbara Walters. Jenny Church predicts this exchange:
“President Clinton, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?”
“One that could lose the executive branch.”
Clinton said technology will render a lot of government functions obsolete. Says Paul Ryan, “Do you know what already renders most government functions obsolete? Common sense.”
Astronaut Shannon Lucid is making herself at home aboard the Russian space station Mir, says Bob Mills. “While two of the cosmonauts were out on a space walk, she rearranged the furniture and now they can’t even find the TV remote.”
That deal giving Mattel the right to make toys promoting Disney features is off to a rocky start, says Mills. “Already, Barbie has threatened to scratch Snow White’s eyes out.”
FedEx oughta merge with UPS, says Gail Cooper. “They could call it Fed UP.”
Cost Plus plans to sell 2.8 million shares of common stock. Says Church, “They’ll be tossed in bins for investors to pick through.”
Indianapolis Colt Quentin Coryatt was jailed for waving a handgun out the driver’s window of his car. Says Argus Hamilton, “Too bad he doesn’t play for the Dallas Cowboys. Under Texas law, that’s the signal for a left turn.”
The movie “Babe” is now available on video, and Alan Jay Weiss says it’s selling like hot links.
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Tick, tick, tick, tick: More repercussions from the arrest of suspected Unabomber:
* “Federal agents began watching him after he submitted his new ‘exploding card’ idea to Hallmark.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)
* “From the looks of that cabin he built himself, there’s no chance he’ll ever be called the Unacarpenter.” (Bill Williams)
* “In his cabin, the FBI found 10 notebooks full of bomb-making recipes. His Fruitcake Surprise was a finalist in the Pillsbury Bakeoff.” (Hamilton)
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A word from our sponsor: OK, so maybe Taco Bell didn’t buy the Liberty Bell. If the idea had caught on, Greg Rutter says we might see:
* Scripto Penn Station
* The Triangle Publications Pentagon
* The Alamo Rent-a-Car Alamo
* The Microsoft Potency Recovery Center
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Reader Volney Hyde of Van Nuys says that the other night over dinner his son, Volney Jr., 10, asked, “Dad, did you know that Mickey Mouse has a rhapsody out?” Dad doubted whether his son really knew what a rhapsody was, and asked him to spell it.
“R-A-P CD”--of course.
