Punch Lines
Infernal revenue: Someone calculated that the average person works the first three hours of every day just earning enough to pay taxes. Says Brian Matthews, “No wonder we can’t get anything done in the morning. We’re all government workers.”
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In the news: President Clinton is meeting with leaders in Japan. Says Steve Tatham, “Just to be safe, they passed out George Bush Diplomatic Sickness bags.”
Democrats blocked GOP efforts to renew the Whitewater committee, so Sen. Alfonse D’Amato is moving the investigation to his Senate banking committee. Says Jenny Church, “ ‘Banking’ is fitting, because Hillary comes up with a different statement each month.”
In his State of the City address, Mayor Richard Riordan portrayed Los Angeles as a city that has rounded the bend on the road to recovery. Wonders Kenny Noble, “Is that the road with potholes, the road that’s sinking or the road with the Caltrans closures?”
* Adds Bob Mills, “He quoted crime statistics so rosy that he received seven drive-by ovations.”
Chrysler Corp. posted record first-quarter earnings. Says Alex Pearlstein, “The good news was announced by chairman Lee Iatoldyouso.”
* He adds, “They also announced the hiring of actor Arnold Schwarzenegger for their second-quarter press report, ‘Total Recall.’ ”
A Philadelphia man is using a video camera to rid his neighborhood of crime. Says Paul Ryan, “Drug dealers run when he starts taping. Unfortunately, so do the cops.”
The rock band KISS is heading out on its first world tour in 15 years, complete with painted faces just like in the old days. Says Church, “I don’t know, Gene Simmons is looking pretty long in the tongue for that sort of thing.”
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Maternity Girl: We’re not sure exactly how long Madonna has been pregnant, says Alex Kaseberg, “But if the baby was conceived in late March it’s possible she’ll have her child on Christmas Day--setting a new world record for irony wrapped in swaddling irreverence.”
* Adds Argus Hamilton, “She says the father of her baby is her personal trainer. You have to be 18 or over to rent this workout tape.”
* Adds Richard Acello, “She’s expected to continue filming ‘Evita,’ though the script is being rewritten to include several pregnant pauses.”
* Adds Charlie Reinke, “From watching her videos, we know that this child will be disciplined.”
* Adds Tatham, “Watch out, kid, don’t hurt yourself on those pointy cones.”
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Reader Vern Fagin of Studio City says his son Matt, 10, the progeny of two attorneys, spent spring break visiting relatives outside Dallas. When asked which of Dad’s three sisters made the best aunt, Matt replied:
“Can I get back to you on that?”
