Punch Lines

In the news: The state Legislature is talking about creating an insurance program to be called the California Earthquake Authority. Says Jenny Church, “There’s already a California Earthquake Authority--named God.”

President Clinton says he now sees “the good” in the GOP agenda. Says Paul Ryan, “The best part is, it could get him reelected.”

* Ryan adds, “He also supports the bill to make Congress obey the same laws that apply to the rest of the public. That way, he won’t be the only one under investigation.”

Bob Dole doesn’t want to raise the minimum wage but 16 Republican members of Congress do. Says Argus Hamilton, “It’s been stuck at $10,000 a vote since 1980, and a congressman’s gotta eat.”

The Menendez brothers, sentenced for murder, will now take the next logical step in the appeals process, says Alan Ray. “They’ll make their own video.”

A woman in Chicago says she twice dated the Unabomber suspect. Says Paul Ecker, “He was attracted to her because she was a real bombshell.”

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “She told him it would never work: ‘I’m a Sagittarius . . . and you’re a crazy lunatic.’ ”

Wednesday is Secretaries Day. Says Ray, “Most bosses will give their support staff an extra hour for lunch. They can make it up at the end of the day.”

A man was thrown off a Continental Airlines flight in Cleveland because he didn’t like the breakfast menu. Now he’s suing for $4.8 million. Says Steve Tatham, “He wouldn’t accept an omelet from them but a nest egg would be just fine.”

You can now buy nicotine gum without a prescription. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Yesterday, spearmint cigarettes also became available for people who are trying to quit chewing gum.”

Toy companies plan to introduce a Mike Tyson action figure, says Ray. “It comes fully assembled, but sexual battery is not included.”

CNN reported that “mad cow” disease was caused by feeding sheepskin to cattle. Says Hamilton, “In Hollywood, sheepskin is used to fill in wrinkles. But since the disease attacks the brain, there’s no danger to anyone in Hollywood.”

*

Final trip: LSD guru and cancer patient Timothy Leary is “actively exploring” the idea of committing suicide on camera, via the Internet:

* “His new catch phrase: Boot up, log on, drop dead.” (Cutler)

* “Big deal! Apple has been doing that for two years.” (Bill Williams)

* “By jumping out his Windows?” (Church)

* “If he thinks dying on camera is something new, he’s not familiar with the CBS lineup.” (Tatham)

*

Reader Desiree Darris of Los Angeles says her son Joel’s 11-year-old cousin, Stevie, complains about almost everything he eats. When given a ham and Swiss cheese sandwich, Stevie griped, “I hate cheese that has holes in it.” Annoyed, Joel told him:

“Well, just eat the cheese and throw the holes away!”