‘Throw Out Your Can Opener and Nobody Gets Hurt’

Late one night last year, I got a parking ticket in downtown Huntington Beach. I thought I could get away with parking without paying, theorizing that the land for the lot probably had been acquired in a heavy-handed manner and at the expense of an unwitting property owner.

When I came out about midnight, a ticket was on my windshield.

A wave of antigovernment hatred surged through me. The fine was for the outrageous amount of $32; I was hoping for something under $10. When I saw the actual figure, I realized I was in the clutches of a government that had forfeited any right to govern.

The fine print on the ticket indicated that if I didn’t pay by a certain date or show up in court, I’d be subject to arrest. Wondering what kind of country I was living in, I stewed for a few days. I consulted several civil liberties lawyers, but none would take my case. Obviously, they had all been co-opted by a government gone mad.

After a few days, I wrote out the check.

I realize now I gave up way too easily.

After following the story for the last month of the “freemen” in Montana, I see there was another choice: hole up in my townhouse and wait out the cops.

The freemen are wanted for issuing various fraudulent documents and currencies. They deny the government’s legitimacy in enforcing certain laws and have stockpiled food and weapons to sustain their holdout. The FBI has waited since late March, refusing to storm the house where the dozen or so freemen are encamped.

Cool. Why didn’t I think of that?

*

HUNTINGTON BEACH -- A man identifying himself as “Thomas Jefferson Madison Parsons” held off exasperated Huntington Beach police for an 11th day, still refusing to pay a $32 parking ticket to “your corrupt system.”

Police set up a 20-foot-high surveillance camera outside the besieged man’s home, although he has asked them not to look inside between the hours of 6 p.m. and 7:30 p.m., which he described as “my quiet time.”

Frustrated neighbors in the townhouse complex have urged police to storm the unit, but so far they have refused. The man, who police now mockingly dub “Mr. President,” was not known to harbor antigovernment sentiments until he got the parking ticket. For that reason, police believe he eventually may surrender peacefully--a notion bolstered by friends who say he may just want some time off from work.

It is not known whether the man, described by various neighbors as “that odd hermit,” has weapons. Neighbors are convinced, however, that he is prepared for a long siege, noting that he returned home two weeks ago carrying box after box into his home. Police now believe those boxes contained canned tuna, perhaps as many as 150 cans.

“Oh, God, if he has tuna, he could stay in there for months,” a worried friend said. “I know he has lots of noodles.”

Not wanting to provoke a confrontation, police did nothing the first two days. On the third day, however, they evacuated the area and began piping loud New Age music into his home, believing that, as in other sieges, it would drive anyone crazy.

Parsons, a columnist for a local newspaper, countered by reading from his columns to police over a loudspeaker. He vowed to continue until police promised to stop the music.

Police quickly complied, and the ongoing stalemate ensued.

In recent days, police have cut off all electricity into his home but have maintained water supply “for humanitarian and health reasons,” according to a spokesman. That may play into his hands, friends believe. “He doesn’t need much more than tuna and books,” said one acquaintance.

Communications from inside the house have been infrequent, causing police to wonder three days ago if he was still alive. Then, a handwritten note was tossed out the front door, which read: “Isn’t it interesting that police never get parking tickets?”

Police rushed the note to the lab to determine its authenticity. “It appears to be genuine,” a spokesman said later.

A growing number of citizens iswondering why police are prolonging the deadlock, believing that “antigovernment kooks” suspected of law violations get special treatment because of previous high-profile standoffs with government authorities.

“Trust us,” the police spokesman sighed. “We know what we’re doing, and we do have a plan: That tuna can’t last forever.”

* Dana Parsons’ columns appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.