Punch Lines
In the news: Alan Ray, on Ford’s recall of 8.7 million cars because a faulty ignition switch could start a fire: “Trying to put a positive spin on the recall, the folks in marketing are now saying that switch can also serve as a cigarette lighter.”
Jay Leno, on the poll showing that parents were twice as likely to trust their kids with Bill Clinton as Bob Dole: “See, people trust Clinton as a baby sitter. They just wouldn’t trust him with the baby sitter.”
Alex Pearlstein, on the president testifying this weekend on videotape: “He performed very well. And reportedly, James Carville was also very convincing as Geppetto.”
* Adds Kenny Noble: “This is the third step in Clinton’s overall campaign strategy of sex, lies and videotape.”
Tony Peyser, on the war-torn Middle East: “Alternative rockers plan to play a benefit for the region this fall, and will call it ‘Hezbollahlapalooza.’ ”
Jenny Church, on John Tesh donating $1 from each ticket from his concert tour to provide equipment for thousands of students in need: “Earplugs?”
Leno, on the Jackie Kennedy Onassis auction: “It was so successful, today the royal family said it might start selling off some of its more useless items--Princess Margaret, Fergie, Di.”
Cutler Daily Scoop, on former Green Beret Col. Bo Gritz going into the Montana Freemen compound in an attempt to end the standoff with the FBI: “If they need a colonel who really understands the criminal mind, there’s always Ollie North.”
Cutler, on Paramount paying Joe Ezsterhas $2 million for a script about U.S. militia groups: “He knows all about bombs. He wrote ‘Showgirls.’ ”
Bob Mills, on the 9,400-year-old mummy found in a Nevada cave: “He was clutching a stone ax, several carved arrows and a losing Keno ticket.”
Gary Easley, on the California man indicted for posing as a doctor: “Examiners knew he was a fraud when he took patients’ vital signs. He would check blood pressure and pulse, but forgot to weigh their wallets.”
Paul Ryan, on the Department of Transportation now having a pregnant crash-test dummy: “That’s what happens when you leave two of them in the back seat.”
Church, on the upcoming reunion banquet for descendants to mark the 150th anniversary of the Donner Party:
* Banquet prices are $300 a head; $30 a hand; $3 a finger.
* Celebrants plan to chew the fat--each other’s.
* The evening’s theme? “The Donner Party: from covered wagon to covered dish.”
*
Reader Deedee Messana of Los Angeles says 8-year-old Alex, an avid movie fan, was driving with his family into the San Fernando Valley after Santa Ana winds had blown the skies clear. Arriving at the top of Laurel Canyon, Alex looked out at the beautiful view of the Valley below and declared:
“This day has been colorized!”
